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“Let’s not die alone, yeah?”


best pick up line of the year


Ironic when used on yourself tho


I’d simply tell myself hey I really like you and I would love to take you out sometime. Because I don’t do subtle stuff


Say what you mean!? What is this blasphemy!?


>Darryl is the most complicated man I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kinda game is that?


Same. I've been in situations where a girl was being flirty and it turns out she was just being nice and wasn't interested. Then there's situations where I thought she was just being nice and it turns out she was being flirty and was interested. Please just fucking spell it out for me if you like me.


I’d honestly like if if guys did the same . I’m horrible at reading between the lines with either gender and it’s just awkward all around.


*audible gasps*


Right?! How dare we be direct!!


I’d ignore the shit out of me but do a lot of cool shit near me and wait for me to fall in love with me.


Are you me?


If so, excuse me while I ignore you and go do cool shit. Try not to fall in love with me because 😉 *I’m a fucking mess* 😙


*bong rip* I am too a mess 🥲


This is like a weird reality dating show, but I’m into it…


I’d watch that


I'd be cheezy as hell. So I'll laugh and roll my eyes then compliment my eyes.


Flattery and humor feel nice, don’t you think?


Well it was a long road from there, but my now-husband's approach was in retrospect very ideal: Offer me the extra piece of brownie he had, asked what I was working on and when I gave a short-ish answer to not start ranting, say that it sounded cool and ask me to elaborate, then engage with me in discussing creative concepts. If the actual intent was to flirt with me the home run would be, when I inevitably apologized for getting carried away, telling me that he enjoyed it and then following up by telling me that I was cute, had an adorable smile when I got carried away or something similarly corny.


I love this. This is my favorite one!


Id call me something cute then buy me sushi and I'll have pretty much won myself over. Edit: wow thanks for all the upvotes and the gold! I'm surprised how many of you are as easy to sway as I am.


You’d win me over in a heartbeat


Now kith




There. Now date. 😂


Never tried sushi, but I'd love to try my first one with you :) (does it work?)


You didn’t call that person something cute.






That would probably work on me too...


:carrying a tray of figs, pistachios, and cheese: "have you ever gone down a Wikipedia hole and read about ancient Roman infantry tactics?"


I'm as erect as a recently forged pila.


Is it not prone to bending once inserted?


That's a feature, not a bug


We should go out on a date or something.




Then postpone sex after the next link and the next and the next then fall sleep.


Pre- or post-Marian reforms?


*b o t h*


My penis can only get so erect.


This is pretty damn sexy


Just make me feel like I matter. It's really that easy... and that rare. (Thank you for the kind words, folks. I'm sorry so many of you endure the same thing.)


Dang :(


That would work on me, but let's be realistic lmao


Same. I was going to say “Say hello, and just be genuinely interested.”


Yeah, this hurts cause it is just rare.


I would literally just smile and touch my arm. It's been a while. EDIT: Wow. Never in my life I've woken up to a comment of mine blowing up like this. I'm happy that my first time is for something like this, and it warms my heart to see so many people relating or sharing their own heartfelt stories. Love you guys, take care of yourselves <3


I was a pretty lonely kid during my early teens, one day this girl I didn't really know sat next to me on the school bus and just before getting off she turned to me, touched my arm, smiled and said something I can no longer remember. This was 25+ years ago and I still have a crush on her. So yes, this.


A few years ago a girl in the library at my university asked to borrow a pencil. We were in the quiet section so we had to keep communication to a whisper. Once she’d finished with it, she touched my hand to get my attention and smiled and I misspelt the word I was writing because I immediately fell for her.


Just gotta say "Hey baby, is your name nobody? Because people have been saying you loved me for years." 99% of the time it never works but hey, at least you gave it a shot.


Going for pity sex I see. Not bad kid.


It feels like magic


It's funny how these small moments can stay with you forever. When I was in 9th grade, I sat next to a very pretty older (I mean, she was a junior so she felt older) girl in my Biology class. One day she gave me some gum, and as I was sitting there doing worksheets or whatever, I popped the gum out of habit. She reached over and touched me right where my knee meets my thigh and said, "Don't pop." Not like a command, but more like she was just helping me out. She was wearing her hair back, held with some silver clamp thing. Her bangs were sprayed into a fairly elaborate claw (it was the 80's gang). She had on a largish white button up with a black tank top under it, tied at the waist, a black skirt and black (panty hose? leggings?) with shiny black shoes. Her eye makeup was dark and her lipstick was deep red. I have no idea what her name was. I never saw her again after that year. But I can remember that moment like it was yesterday. I can see the classroom in my mind and feel where everyone else was. I can almost still feel her fingers' gentle pressure on my leg. Having considered it while I wrote this post, it was the first time a woman (a girl, but in my mind at the time a woman) touched me in a way that was... not sexual, but not UNsexual. I was on the swim team, I played water polo, frequently co-ed. We lifted weights together, worked out together, stretched each other out (a lot of stretching in swimming). It's not that a girl had never touched me, it's that they never touched me... like that. She touched me like I was a man (I wasn't, I was a kid) and she was a woman (she was a girl). There was no hesitation, no tentativeness. It was assertive but not condescending. She meant to touch me, she did, and then she stopped. I had never experienced anything like it. It's hard to describe how it made me feel. It was an adult touch.


The imagery in this post is so vivid, makes me feel like I was there experiencing it with you especially since im in ninth grade now


Hell, I’m over 40, and I’m with y’all... hope it’s a big classroom! Seriously, though, u/3-orange-whips can write!


he didn't write, he painted the scene with words


I wish I was as eloquent and articulate as this dude


Hey, are you me? The smallest amount of attention and the merest hint that someone liked me would be enough to seal the deal, fucks sake that’s sad.


I friend did that to me....disappointed to find out that's just how Korean girls interact with their friends.


Doesn't matter, had physical touch. It means a lot for us men who are touch starved


I can relate way too much to this. I'd straight up just touch and cuddle myself a fuck ton, and then I'd belong to me.


I’d ask myself to light my cigarette and say ‘thanks doll’… I watch way too many gangster movies


At this point, I would just offer myself good sex in a half decent hotel. 😂




Well if you’re offering… I’m accepting ☝️


Knowing my self I'd just stroll up with a frozen pizza, sixer of cheap beer, and say "we fucking or nah?". Will work for me.


I knew that line had to work on someone. I’ll just have to keep trying until I run into you irl


Would also be better if you were a woman tbh just sayin’. I know it’s a male dominated world in those gangster movies, but if a sexy girl did this to me I think I’d melt on the spot Edit: if any of the women upvoting this wanna dm me… I wouldn’t say no😏


Dang... back to the drawing board.


Well at least you know now that it’s possible to get it to happen with someone so I hope I haven’t completely dashed your hopes honey


Oh I'm fine, but thanks anyway toots.


Simple: I would not


This is also my answer. I’m just not my type haha


When you look in the mirror and feel ugly, just remember, you're not ugly, you're just not your type.


I might just be too high but that made me feel better.


Then I have succeeded for today.


Exactly, i happen to have a little thing called "standards" Edit: OMGGG THANKS FOR THE METALS KIND STRANGERS! Let me tell you a story about my son, Jacob. We always said his eyes are like floodlights. Everything he saw and touched became illuminated to those around him, their forgotten childhoods suddenly springing forth as they rediscovered the funny shapes of thing, the optimistic guesses at how the world must work, or the way a squirrel obscured by rain looks like it's flying when it runs along a powerline. We remembered what joy is, the way it feels when you're too young to understand that it comes and goes. These were the things Jacob shared with us, and I can't imagine going back. Jacob wanted a YouTube channel, and so we made it for him. Janet had worked as a camera operator back when we had jobs, so she handled the technical aspects. Sidney wrote for a blog, so she helped steer Jacob's creativity. David worked in the NICU and was there when Jacob opened his eyes for the first time. My job was to make sure Jacob never, ever got upset. That had happened before, and we all got very upset as well. It was unpleasant, and his mother Emily had to leave us because of it. The love that Jacob received for his channel was astounding, and not entirely unexpected. He wanted us to give him gigantic chocolate eggs filled with toys, and so we did. His "M&M Spaghetti" video received more views than "Despacito." His reach grew around the world. Those pure eyes stealing everyone they gazed upon, never upset, through cell phones and social media - late-night talk show segments and finally a meeting with the president. I can't believe how much he's grown in the years since. To achieve so much at such a young age would be a strain on anyone, but I never let him get upset. He doesn't want YouTube channels anymore. He's much more important than that, and whatever he wants, he gets. I knew that moment he looked in my eyes for the first time. I'd do anything for Jacob, and sometimes I have. But I'd still kick Jacob off a fucking bridge if it means you didn't spend money on reddit to give directly back to reddit so that reddit can continue to profit off being reddit while not only doing virtually *nothing* to stop the spread of misinformation- but, in fact, profiting from it.


Goddamn the payoff for that wall of text was worth it.


That edit, holy shit, had me gripped the whole time.


Yeah I mean what a loser lol


“I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”


Same here, key detail being "knowing all of your own little weaknesses and kinks." If I knew all the shite swirling around my head before even approaching, I would stay the hell away lmao


I literally cannot think of a time someone gave me a compliment that didn't seem surface level or forced. I don't know what I want to hear, nor do I know what I would want someone to do to express interest in me. I truly just don't know. The only thing I can possibly think of is showing genuine interest in one of my books.


I think the greatest compliments are indirect. Once, a friend who had been assaulted and not slept for days turned up at my door, rested their head on my chest, and just slept. Another friend, completely out of the blue, started talking to me about what had *really* happened to them, all those years ago. No surface, verbal compliment has ever felt like those unspoken "You make me feel safe” moments. Sorry for the derail.


You must be a very good friend for them to have that trust.


I think I've been blessed in my friends. They've looked after me at least as much as I have them.


I have never been so happy upvoting something


So true. One of the YouTube Dating Coaches also said one of the best things a Guy likes to hear is "You make me feel safe" As a girl I love hearing this too


So what are your books about ;)


I've got quite a few books all constantly in the writing process. I've got a book about a knight on a vengeful quest to right the wrongs of his father. A book about a young adult who is brought back from the dead to be a reaper for one of the many gods in his universe. A book about an estranged son of Dionysus. A book about the son of the devil, being raised on earth to replace his father. Quite a few more mostly in the ideas stage.


You got books? What books?


"You wanna get out of here, go have sex, and then lay in bed together playing on our phones and not talk in comfortable silence?"


Soul mates


Hole mates


Comfortable silence is key


I would bring myself to karaoke and sing “I Touch Myself” by Divinyls while giving myself the bedroom eyes.


these bedroom eyes, are they Bette Davis-esque?


Hey, wanna fuck?


You could probably cut that down to just "Fuck?" and speedrun that shit


Are you https cause without you my life is just ://


I have a lot of insecurities so just http


I must be SMTP because everyone forgot I exist.


This is beautiful


Do you ignore object oriented principles cause I’d like to expose my private members to you.


I would compliment my music taste and art. Then we would go drink 3 vodka bottles


Vodka? Art? Music taste? Hello


They forgot to mention all of their art is furry porn. Still down?


You joke but furry porn is big money


Shit went from 0 to 100 real f#cking quick


Literally all it takes with me is letting me know you wanna date and being straightforward because I am both touch starved but incredibly dumb


"'Sup bitch, wanna bang"? Yeah I might be that easy, it's been a couple of years.


Well if max fucking Paynes not getting any, I don't suppose I should be complaining either.


Sup bitch, wanna bang?


Let's do it!


Come back to the ship. We'll bang, ok?


Max Payne? More like max pain


Just be as funny as possible hoping that I like the humor


Also, I am sure that you and you have a pretty similar sense of humor


You never know


This is cute


Well considering it's your own humor you'll probably like it


Be the girl I think is pretty in my art class...


Tell her!!


She's older than me though, I'm only a freshman


I see no problem there haha. Offer a genuine, no strings attached compliment. But now I’m answering the question here to my own preferences haha.


I'll try to talk to her on Monday, if I can befriend her that would be a big step


Do it knowing a stranger all the way down in Argentina is wishing you luck!


Positive vibes from England!


Hype from the Netherlands!


Canada sends good luck wishes!


New York is sending positive vibes!


BIG THUMBS UP from the Desert!


For real I've seen some weird fucking couples. Don't be afraid to shoot for the stars.


I’m invested now. You must keep me posted lol. I’ll be rooting for you, Reddit freshmen. I’ll expect an invite to officiate the wedding


You got this dude, just be ur genuine self & u will be fine


As a girl with a crush on a guy that’s younger, go for it!


Plot twists: you’re the girl they have a crush on.


Just say hello and offer a nice compliment. You've got this!


Quite simple actually, help myself out with work. It seems quite mediocre but that's how I met my ex(still hurts). Just sit down and tell myself "I got this half, you continue with that. Let's go play minecraft afterwards.". And that would be how you would get me to fall for you.


Probably the way my boyfriend did it. Constantly plan adventures and activities that are right up my alley and then swing by to see me, on my way to the thing, and invite me to tag along, repeatedly and persistently. There was always an understanding of "I'm going to go do this awesome thing right now with or without you, but I wish it'd be with you!" Just the right amount of pressure.


Ngl that sounds both cute and exhausting as hell.


Yeah I don't think I could do that to get a gf lol


Who has that kind of free time… I can barely get a weekend to myself


Ugh I love this, I’ll take one of these please


I wouldn’t, I would take one look and be like this mf a damn train wreck.


Can I come over in PJs, bring bourbon and Taco Bell? I'll also sit in the other couch so I don't have you get too hot and we don't have to talk a lot. Just enjoy each other's company in silence.


Want to get high then cuddle on the couch while watching surreal video content?


Merry me please.


Merry pmMeNudes9000 to you!!


Well played, Sir...well played.


I feel like this is the punchline to a joke about Santa proposing to Mrs. Clause.


"Heeeeey you want this piece of fried chicken?.... So.... like wanna make out?"


Oreos, cold whole milk and pat on the head.


who made my cat a reddit account


It me —your cat


Shhh don’t tell him


Honestly, my SO knows all my kinks and i still dont get turned on when she hits on me. Something about the abrupt one liner or whatever kinda takes me out of the whole thing. Being hit on is actually not how to get me in the mood. Maybe this is different for other people? Now if instead of the talking and hitting on, you just start massaging my shoulders or scalp, and work your way down, then yeah thatll work 100% of the time.


ugh i wouldn’t, too much baggage. my boyfriend is a fucking trooper.


"You look tired. Come rest your head on my lap."


By talking about videogames,science and/or butt stuff


My 3 favorite things


one of these things is not like the other


I'd probably ask for a roadtrip, have some coffee and cake.


Yeah that would be awesome!


Be blunt.


I'd hug myself and tell myself something among the lines of, "You've done well, now how about you take a break, you deserve it."


That just sounds like you need a parental figure in your life


A *good parental figure.


Don’t kinkshame.


Does wanting someone to tell you they’re proud of you necessarily mean you want a parental figure? Having a friend or someone you’re close to tell you that would be pretty neat too.


I dont know if it nessecarily means that because I'm not an expert by any means, but I do know that a lot of people who crave this kind of validation didnt get it as a child.


I would just talk to myself often while avoiding activities that spend money


“Would you like to try being hypnotized?”


I would be very direct. "I like you and I am taking you home now."


"I'm taking you home whether you want it or not" *pulls out duct tape*


*opens trunk* “Or maybe you can make this easier on the both of us”


I’d show genuine interest in all my weird and obscure hobbies. And I’d always hug me tightly. Honestly just spend time with me. Oh god this is a cry for help


I'd show myself RuneScape, Tarkov, coffee, books, and the occasional duo cooking session while having a dumb conversation about how people put kiwi on pizza. Or how the male Platypus is the only mammal that uses venom.


For you i have a more important question: is ananas on pizza acceptable?


No idea. Sounds better than kiwi though.


Wink suuuuuper hard


like with both eyes?


U know it babe ,')


I would not date me. I got way too many mental issues.


Be a slutty redhead


Username doesn't checks out haha


It does check out for some meanings


It all depends on the punctuation. For all we know, it could be a command. "Fuck, you sluts!"


"So I hear you like grindcore?"


Whats up? You wanna do some bong hits and listen to vinyls? Do you like Les Claypool?


just starting the conversation should work


say good boy and I'd be on the floor


Good boy


Crop tops and nipple piercings. You don’t have to do a damn thing other than wear those and hit on me and I’ll probably drop everything.


Over here just Donald Ducking it.




Assuming it was a female version of myself, "hey, want to have sex?"


This would work 10/10 times.


Honestly there wouldn't be much talking if I met myself.