T O P

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UndergroundFlaws

“Let’s not die alone, yeah?”


queen_beetle

best pick up line of the year


the_constant_reddit

Ironic when used on yourself tho


-zombie-squirrel

I’d simply tell myself hey I really like you and I would love to take you out sometime. Because I don’t do subtle stuff


OverCookedTheChicken

Say what you mean!? What is this blasphemy!?


__01001000-01101001_

>Darryl is the most complicated man I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kinda game is that?


slammer592

Same. I've been in situations where a girl was being flirty and it turns out she was just being nice and wasn't interested. Then there's situations where I thought she was just being nice and it turns out she was being flirty and was interested. Please just fucking spell it out for me if you like me.


-zombie-squirrel

I’d honestly like if if guys did the same . I’m horrible at reading between the lines with either gender and it’s just awkward all around.


libbylies

*audible gasps*


-zombie-squirrel

Right?! How dare we be direct!!


Jasmotron3k

I’d ignore the shit out of me but do a lot of cool shit near me and wait for me to fall in love with me.


Jeepguru

Are you me?


Jasmotron3k

If so, excuse me while I ignore you and go do cool shit. Try not to fall in love with me because 😉 *I’m a fucking mess* 😙


Jeepguru

*bong rip* I am too a mess 🥲


atlasttheendisnear

This is like a weird reality dating show, but I’m into it…


Jeepguru

I’d watch that


RiverSong20

I'd be cheezy as hell. So I'll laugh and roll my eyes then compliment my eyes.


solohelion

Flattery and humor feel nice, don’t you think?


FrellZilla

Well it was a long road from there, but my now-husband's approach was in retrospect very ideal: Offer me the extra piece of brownie he had, asked what I was working on and when I gave a short-ish answer to not start ranting, say that it sounded cool and ask me to elaborate, then engage with me in discussing creative concepts. If the actual intent was to flirt with me the home run would be, when I inevitably apologized for getting carried away, telling me that he enjoyed it and then following up by telling me that I was cute, had an adorable smile when I got carried away or something similarly corny.


CaptainXplosionz

I love this. This is my favorite one!


Rascalian03

Id call me something cute then buy me sushi and I'll have pretty much won myself over. Edit: wow thanks for all the upvotes and the gold! I'm surprised how many of you are as easy to sway as I am.


Skylar-Moon

You’d win me over in a heartbeat


QRIO44

Now kith


minecraftivy

Smootc


TemplarSteel

There. Now date. 😂


Kodecki

Never tried sushi, but I'd love to try my first one with you :) (does it work?)


iTeryon

You didn’t call that person something cute.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Mattmota

Bonk


WateredDownHotSauce

That would probably work on me too...


TheNextFreud

:carrying a tray of figs, pistachios, and cheese: "have you ever gone down a Wikipedia hole and read about ancient Roman infantry tactics?"


fgk55555

I'm as erect as a recently forged pila.


Tfx77

Is it not prone to bending once inserted?


bobsbountifulburgers

That's a feature, not a bug


Nox_Dei

We should go out on a date or something.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ChipsAhoyNC

Then postpone sex after the next link and the next and the next then fall sleep.


Rocker1681

Pre- or post-Marian reforms?


cain2995

*b o t h*


ElHage13

My penis can only get so erect.


funlovingfirerabbit

This is pretty damn sexy


TheRavingRaccoon

Just make me feel like I matter. It's really that easy... and that rare. (Thank you for the kind words, folks. I'm sorry so many of you endure the same thing.)


Elshter

Dang :(


X-ScissorSisters

That would work on me, but let's be realistic lmao


coolcoots

Same. I was going to say “Say hello, and just be genuinely interested.”


Baoning

Yeah, this hurts cause it is just rare.


Gionanni

I would literally just smile and touch my arm. It's been a while. EDIT: Wow. Never in my life I've woken up to a comment of mine blowing up like this. I'm happy that my first time is for something like this, and it warms my heart to see so many people relating or sharing their own heartfelt stories. Love you guys, take care of yourselves <3


powderpete

I was a pretty lonely kid during my early teens, one day this girl I didn't really know sat next to me on the school bus and just before getting off she turned to me, touched my arm, smiled and said something I can no longer remember. This was 25+ years ago and I still have a crush on her. So yes, this.


_cosmicomics_

A few years ago a girl in the library at my university asked to borrow a pencil. We were in the quiet section so we had to keep communication to a whisper. Once she’d finished with it, she touched my hand to get my attention and smiled and I misspelt the word I was writing because I immediately fell for her.


LikelyAMartian

Just gotta say "Hey baby, is your name nobody? Because people have been saying you loved me for years." 99% of the time it never works but hey, at least you gave it a shot.


coqqq

Going for pity sex I see. Not bad kid.


solohelion

It feels like magic


3-orange-whips

It's funny how these small moments can stay with you forever. When I was in 9th grade, I sat next to a very pretty older (I mean, she was a junior so she felt older) girl in my Biology class. One day she gave me some gum, and as I was sitting there doing worksheets or whatever, I popped the gum out of habit. She reached over and touched me right where my knee meets my thigh and said, "Don't pop." Not like a command, but more like she was just helping me out. She was wearing her hair back, held with some silver clamp thing. Her bangs were sprayed into a fairly elaborate claw (it was the 80's gang). She had on a largish white button up with a black tank top under it, tied at the waist, a black skirt and black (panty hose? leggings?) with shiny black shoes. Her eye makeup was dark and her lipstick was deep red. I have no idea what her name was. I never saw her again after that year. But I can remember that moment like it was yesterday. I can see the classroom in my mind and feel where everyone else was. I can almost still feel her fingers' gentle pressure on my leg. Having considered it while I wrote this post, it was the first time a woman (a girl, but in my mind at the time a woman) touched me in a way that was... not sexual, but not UNsexual. I was on the swim team, I played water polo, frequently co-ed. We lifted weights together, worked out together, stretched each other out (a lot of stretching in swimming). It's not that a girl had never touched me, it's that they never touched me... like that. She touched me like I was a man (I wasn't, I was a kid) and she was a woman (she was a girl). There was no hesitation, no tentativeness. It was assertive but not condescending. She meant to touch me, she did, and then she stopped. I had never experienced anything like it. It's hard to describe how it made me feel. It was an adult touch.


RealYellowDino

The imagery in this post is so vivid, makes me feel like I was there experiencing it with you especially since im in ninth grade now


bonos_bovine_muse

Hell, I’m over 40, and I’m with y’all... hope it’s a big classroom! Seriously, though, u/3-orange-whips can write!


Pritam1997

he didn't write, he painted the scene with words


[deleted]

I wish I was as eloquent and articulate as this dude


Phenomenomix

Hey, are you me? The smallest amount of attention and the merest hint that someone liked me would be enough to seal the deal, fucks sake that’s sad.


david_boas

I friend did that to me....disappointed to find out that's just how Korean girls interact with their friends.


jejcicodjntbyifid3

Doesn't matter, had physical touch. It means a lot for us men who are touch starved


Russian_lover1

I can relate way too much to this. I'd straight up just touch and cuddle myself a fuck ton, and then I'd belong to me.


[deleted]

I’d ask myself to light my cigarette and say ‘thanks doll’… I watch way too many gangster movies


winosanonymous

At this point, I would just offer myself good sex in a half decent hotel. 😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Well if you’re offering… I’m accepting ☝️


ijustwanafap

Knowing my self I'd just stroll up with a frozen pizza, sixer of cheap beer, and say "we fucking or nah?". Will work for me.


[deleted]

I knew that line had to work on someone. I’ll just have to keep trying until I run into you irl


[deleted]

Would also be better if you were a woman tbh just sayin’. I know it’s a male dominated world in those gangster movies, but if a sexy girl did this to me I think I’d melt on the spot Edit: if any of the women upvoting this wanna dm me… I wouldn’t say no😏


[deleted]

Dang... back to the drawing board.


[deleted]

Well at least you know now that it’s possible to get it to happen with someone so I hope I haven’t completely dashed your hopes honey


[deleted]

Oh I'm fine, but thanks anyway toots.


atokadelggon

Simple: I would not


NattyNattyBoBatty

This is also my answer. I’m just not my type haha


arcamdies

When you look in the mirror and feel ugly, just remember, you're not ugly, you're just not your type.


wheresmyworrystone

I might just be too high but that made me feel better.


arcamdies

Then I have succeeded for today.


Djanghost

Exactly, i happen to have a little thing called "standards" Edit: OMGGG THANKS FOR THE METALS KIND STRANGERS! Let me tell you a story about my son, Jacob. We always said his eyes are like floodlights. Everything he saw and touched became illuminated to those around him, their forgotten childhoods suddenly springing forth as they rediscovered the funny shapes of thing, the optimistic guesses at how the world must work, or the way a squirrel obscured by rain looks like it's flying when it runs along a powerline. We remembered what joy is, the way it feels when you're too young to understand that it comes and goes. These were the things Jacob shared with us, and I can't imagine going back. Jacob wanted a YouTube channel, and so we made it for him. Janet had worked as a camera operator back when we had jobs, so she handled the technical aspects. Sidney wrote for a blog, so she helped steer Jacob's creativity. David worked in the NICU and was there when Jacob opened his eyes for the first time. My job was to make sure Jacob never, ever got upset. That had happened before, and we all got very upset as well. It was unpleasant, and his mother Emily had to leave us because of it. The love that Jacob received for his channel was astounding, and not entirely unexpected. He wanted us to give him gigantic chocolate eggs filled with toys, and so we did. His "M&M Spaghetti" video received more views than "Despacito." His reach grew around the world. Those pure eyes stealing everyone they gazed upon, never upset, through cell phones and social media - late-night talk show segments and finally a meeting with the president. I can't believe how much he's grown in the years since. To achieve so much at such a young age would be a strain on anyone, but I never let him get upset. He doesn't want YouTube channels anymore. He's much more important than that, and whatever he wants, he gets. I knew that moment he looked in my eyes for the first time. I'd do anything for Jacob, and sometimes I have. But I'd still kick Jacob off a fucking bridge if it means you didn't spend money on reddit to give directly back to reddit so that reddit can continue to profit off being reddit while not only doing virtually *nothing* to stop the spread of misinformation- but, in fact, profiting from it.


tsavong117

Goddamn the payoff for that wall of text was worth it.


dnielso5

That edit, holy shit, had me gripped the whole time.


strumpster

Yeah I mean what a loser lol


scootscoot

“I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”


Gyoza-shishou

Same here, key detail being "knowing all of your own little weaknesses and kinks." If I knew all the shite swirling around my head before even approaching, I would stay the hell away lmao


JustAnotherChorus

I literally cannot think of a time someone gave me a compliment that didn't seem surface level or forced. I don't know what I want to hear, nor do I know what I would want someone to do to express interest in me. I truly just don't know. The only thing I can possibly think of is showing genuine interest in one of my books.


Fox_Hawk

I think the greatest compliments are indirect. Once, a friend who had been assaulted and not slept for days turned up at my door, rested their head on my chest, and just slept. Another friend, completely out of the blue, started talking to me about what had *really* happened to them, all those years ago. No surface, verbal compliment has ever felt like those unspoken "You make me feel safe” moments. Sorry for the derail.


IStartToRun

You must be a very good friend for them to have that trust.


Fox_Hawk

I think I've been blessed in my friends. They've looked after me at least as much as I have them.


afriendindeeddoh

I have never been so happy upvoting something


funlovingfirerabbit

So true. One of the YouTube Dating Coaches also said one of the best things a Guy likes to hear is "You make me feel safe" As a girl I love hearing this too


fellowtravelr

So what are your books about ;)


JustAnotherChorus

I've got quite a few books all constantly in the writing process. I've got a book about a knight on a vengeful quest to right the wrongs of his father. A book about a young adult who is brought back from the dead to be a reaper for one of the many gods in his universe. A book about an estranged son of Dionysus. A book about the son of the devil, being raised on earth to replace his father. Quite a few more mostly in the ideas stage.


morgunus

You got books? What books?


Hrekires

"You wanna get out of here, go have sex, and then lay in bed together playing on our phones and not talk in comfortable silence?"


DylberttheFilbert

Soul mates


brother_of_menelaus

Hole mates


Parradog1

Comfortable silence is key


You-DiedSouls

I would bring myself to karaoke and sing “I Touch Myself” by Divinyls while giving myself the bedroom eyes.


The_0range_Menace

these bedroom eyes, are they Bette Davis-esque?


KingWillThe_1st

Hey, wanna fuck?


sfxpaladin

You could probably cut that down to just "Fuck?" and speedrun that shit


hover_ex

Are you https cause without you my life is just ://


HereIsYourGold

I have a lot of insecurities so just http


KevineCove

I must be SMTP because everyone forgot I exist.


kyrikii

This is beautiful


intertubeluber

Do you ignore object oriented principles cause I’d like to expose my private members to you.


Talonflame876

I would compliment my music taste and art. Then we would go drink 3 vodka bottles


Flimsy_Iron8930

Vodka? Art? Music taste? Hello


yolkmaster69

They forgot to mention all of their art is furry porn. Still down?


Deetchy_

You joke but furry porn is big money


Nicc-will-clicc

Shit went from 0 to 100 real f#cking quick


Dantelorde

Literally all it takes with me is letting me know you wanna date and being straightforward because I am both touch starved but incredibly dumb


Max_Fucking_Payne

"'Sup bitch, wanna bang"? Yeah I might be that easy, it's been a couple of years.


Throneawaystone

Well if max fucking Paynes not getting any, I don't suppose I should be complaining either.


Digitijs

Sup bitch, wanna bang?


Max_Fucking_Payne

Let's do it!


Deetchy_

Come back to the ship. We'll bang, ok?


figuresys

Max Payne? More like max pain


Sign-Severe

Just be as funny as possible hoping that I like the humor


BerryDragon_2557

Also, I am sure that you and you have a pretty similar sense of humor


Suspicious-Arm-7619

You never know


Simen-laugh

This is cute


Accomplished-Ad-9996

Well considering it's your own humor you'll probably like it


ThatKnight1Guy

Be the girl I think is pretty in my art class...


OverCookedTheChicken

Tell her!!


ThatKnight1Guy

She's older than me though, I'm only a freshman


OverCookedTheChicken

I see no problem there haha. Offer a genuine, no strings attached compliment. But now I’m answering the question here to my own preferences haha.


ThatKnight1Guy

I'll try to talk to her on Monday, if I can befriend her that would be a big step


MyOtherAcctsAPorsche

Do it knowing a stranger all the way down in Argentina is wishing you luck!


Fox_Hawk

Positive vibes from England!


Reddnax

Hype from the Netherlands!


Kayliaf

Canada sends good luck wishes!


Iciskulls

New York is sending positive vibes!


ChewMaNutz

BIG THUMBS UP from the Desert!


The_Lost_Octopus

For real I've seen some weird fucking couples. Don't be afraid to shoot for the stars.


OverCookedTheChicken

I’m invested now. You must keep me posted lol. I’ll be rooting for you, Reddit freshmen. I’ll expect an invite to officiate the wedding


cheesy_please_me

You got this dude, just be ur genuine self & u will be fine


libbylies

As a girl with a crush on a guy that’s younger, go for it!


Mattyboy0066

Plot twists: you’re the girl they have a crush on.


Smil3yAngel

Just say hello and offer a nice compliment. You've got this!


DiamondGokan

Quite simple actually, help myself out with work. It seems quite mediocre but that's how I met my ex(still hurts). Just sit down and tell myself "I got this half, you continue with that. Let's go play minecraft afterwards.". And that would be how you would get me to fall for you.


zombiechewtoy

Probably the way my boyfriend did it. Constantly plan adventures and activities that are right up my alley and then swing by to see me, on my way to the thing, and invite me to tag along, repeatedly and persistently. There was always an understanding of "I'm going to go do this awesome thing right now with or without you, but I wish it'd be with you!" Just the right amount of pressure.


novadragon07

Ngl that sounds both cute and exhausting as hell.


Senpai59210

Yeah I don't think I could do that to get a gf lol


Noob_DM

Who has that kind of free time… I can barely get a weekend to myself


glitterpile12

Ugh I love this, I’ll take one of these please


Ok-Letterhead4601

I wouldn’t, I would take one look and be like this mf a damn train wreck.


greenbanky

Can I come over in PJs, bring bourbon and Taco Bell? I'll also sit in the other couch so I don't have you get too hot and we don't have to talk a lot. Just enjoy each other's company in silence.


usuallydead404

Want to get high then cuddle on the couch while watching surreal video content?


pmMeNudes9000

Merry me please.


dino0509

Merry pmMeNudes9000 to you!!


Obiwan_ca_blowme

Well played, Sir...well played.


JimmyMaximusIII

I feel like this is the punchline to a joke about Santa proposing to Mrs. Clause.


HairyNutsackNumber9

"Heeeeey you want this piece of fried chicken?.... So.... like wanna make out?"


MrKahnberg

Oreos, cold whole milk and pat on the head.


itsalwaysgay

who made my cat a reddit account


HisRoyalHarlot

It me —your cat


Sir_flaps

Shhh don’t tell him


imstonedyouknow

Honestly, my SO knows all my kinks and i still dont get turned on when she hits on me. Something about the abrupt one liner or whatever kinda takes me out of the whole thing. Being hit on is actually not how to get me in the mood. Maybe this is different for other people? Now if instead of the talking and hitting on, you just start massaging my shoulders or scalp, and work your way down, then yeah thatll work 100% of the time.


sakurafroggie

ugh i wouldn’t, too much baggage. my boyfriend is a fucking trooper.


Greenfly-Skies

"You look tired. Come rest your head on my lap."


Mythxxo

By talking about videogames,science and/or butt stuff


YourCalcipher

My 3 favorite things


Deetchy_

one of these things is not like the other


Hmmmmnnnnnnnn

I'd probably ask for a roadtrip, have some coffee and cake.


solohelion

Yeah that would be awesome!


itbedehaam

Be blunt.


LightningXOtaku

I'd hug myself and tell myself something among the lines of, "You've done well, now how about you take a break, you deserve it."


Da_Yakz

That just sounds like you need a parental figure in your life


alleina13

A *good parental figure.


PseudoEngel

Don’t kinkshame.


DementedWarrior_

Does wanting someone to tell you they’re proud of you necessarily mean you want a parental figure? Having a friend or someone you’re close to tell you that would be pretty neat too.


AsuraSantosha

I dont know if it nessecarily means that because I'm not an expert by any means, but I do know that a lot of people who crave this kind of validation didnt get it as a child.


darealwillbro

I would just talk to myself often while avoiding activities that spend money


SugarNSpice538

“Would you like to try being hypnotized?”


thrownmtn

I would be very direct. "I like you and I am taking you home now."


Senpai59210

"I'm taking you home whether you want it or not" *pulls out duct tape*


leaderofthevirgins

*opens trunk* “Or maybe you can make this easier on the both of us”


the-poopiest-diaper

I’d show genuine interest in all my weird and obscure hobbies. And I’d always hug me tightly. Honestly just spend time with me. Oh god this is a cry for help


FleeingMyLife

I'd show myself RuneScape, Tarkov, coffee, books, and the occasional duo cooking session while having a dumb conversation about how people put kiwi on pizza. Or how the male Platypus is the only mammal that uses venom.


Simen-laugh

For you i have a more important question: is ananas on pizza acceptable?


FleeingMyLife

No idea. Sounds better than kiwi though.


Olliewhatacracker

Wink suuuuuper hard


ThriftStoreUnicorn

like with both eyes?


Manaus125

U know it babe ,')


Level-King-2436

I would not date me. I got way too many mental issues.


Fuck_you_sluts

Be a slutty redhead


dgtzg16

Username doesn't checks out haha


blbd

It does check out for some meanings


retief1

It all depends on the punctuation. For all we know, it could be a command. "Fuck, you sluts!"


crackhitler1

"So I hear you like grindcore?"


[deleted]

Whats up? You wanna do some bong hits and listen to vinyls? Do you like Les Claypool?


anidevv

just starting the conversation should work


DanithefolfFN

say good boy and I'd be on the floor


s4phirra

Good boy


Ratthion

Crop tops and nipple piercings. You don’t have to do a damn thing other than wear those and hit on me and I’ll probably drop everything.


inflammablepenguin

Over here just Donald Ducking it.


KitehDotNet

Cash


Pikassassin

Assuming it was a female version of myself, "hey, want to have sex?"


anglesideside1

This would work 10/10 times.


jaredliesch

Honestly there wouldn't be much talking if I met myself.


ChangeTheWRLD999

Hi