T O P

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AppleBus

Close down the 14 tabs I didn’t get to


aCourierFromXibalba

Do you close your tabs? ...I have multiple windows for "later" but later never comes lol


8rok3n

That's called "save post" on Reddit


TheBaconDeeler

Except reddit only lets you save 1000 posts


The_Nest_

You can save more but you can only see the 1000 most recent, when you’re done with a saved post got unsave it and get to the older ones


Ozbal42

Oh thank fuck, thanks Had a mini "no fucking way" moment for a sec there I should fix my save/tab hoarding writing this makes me embarrassed lmao


LoneGray

My guy knows from experience


TheSmartAssLion

He's not the only one cursed with knowledge.


vizthex

TIL there's a post saving limit.


HopelessCineromantic

Unlike you.


nosnhoj15

Hey, 1 out of 15 ain’t bad.


RevolutionaryHand699

Question my choice in porn


CleoFinn

“Damnit, how did I end up on ‘cucked by a zombie’ again?”


AtlantisTempest

Of course that's a category


1968Russtang

Everything has a category. A friend told me


thephotoman

That’s just Rule 34 in action.


RIPMyInnocence

It always starts of with normal level intent. Then you end up down the rabbit hole


Kakss_

Sometimes literally.


Sw3dish_Me4tball

Same bro.... Same *sigh*


floresse21

Wash my hands and fall asleep


Stove-Top-Steve

Post nut is like the best melatonin.


Afraid-Size-3616

Wait you’re supposed to wash your hands?!? Or is that just something people say they do, like that they “definitely don’t pee in the shower”


floresse21

I am not going to fall asleep with cum on my hands. Wake up and rub my eyes...learned that the hard way. No pun intended.


Down-InA-hole

Did your eye get pregnant?


Caribubilus

Can my eye get PREGANANANT?! Edit: thanks for the nice awards.


brodorfgaggins

Can eye get preganté


Perless_cucumber

Can I get *𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓰𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓮?*


BreezyFX

Am I gregnant?


Saucehsauce

Am pergnitate?


oRedHood

How to tell if pargnant


dopesickdopeslut

Pergnant


_indecipherable_

Dangerops prangent sex?


mrducky78

Can hurt babby top of head?


Afraid-Size-3616

Hahaha fair, I use equipment that gets tossed into a basket and cleaned the next day so my hands aren’t involved at all.


Zoole

May I introduce you gentleman to the shower jerk?


No-Being-7813

But remember to use cold(ish) water


Drown3dSnail

May I ask why?


No-Being-7813

If you use hot water, sperm becomes this solid stringy substance


Hybridkiller13

Yeah, cumcrete.


e-wrecked

Cumelette


ItzzCholo

Ahhh so that’s why it’s like that when I take hot showers


[deleted]

[удалено]


epicmousestory

**Sigh** *Takes out a lab coat and beakers*


basicdesires

Approach it scientifically. First ejaculate into a glass of cold water and watch it disperse, then do the same into a glass of really hot water and note the difference. Obviously, set up cameras to capture the events and don't forget to update your masturbation journal. Your findings including evidence should then be published on reputable media like Reddit.


RepresentativeSuit14

no u don’t it gets sticky and sticks to u


BushRaptor12

Aaaand this is why I'm a germaphobe and don't touch people's hands


poopoopeepee153

Just don't wash your hands after you finish either and then your dick germs will battle it out with their dick germs when you touch hands. May the stronger dick's germs win


phoenixpoptart

“Wait you’re supposed to wash your hands?!?” You *don’t*????


DeMiloTurt

Turn off the Goofy Movie


defineyoursound

Hyuck


Llama-Guy

Fyuck


Matt8992

She was hella cute


DeMiloTurt

I was talking about max, but yeah Roxanne was that, too.


nickatmore

Wait... Max and Roxanne? Fuck... I though y'all were taking about Goofy... It's all about the man himself...


princesspeachespoopr

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to hyuck.


Vinterslag

I mean I haven't seen it since I was a kid but between Roxanne and that girl with the beret... made more furries than Maid Marian imo.


thugzparadise

Pee


Carpaltunnelsnake

I guess if theres already cum everywhere, some pee wont hurt.


Nothing-But-Lies

Peeing always hurts, that's normal


thiscarecupisempty

Especially if its red, signs of a healthy body.


twerking_for_jesus

My body makes SO much blood it needs to flush out the excess.


Specialist-Cable2613

Yes, it’s flushing out the deadly toxins in your blood


KiraTsukasa

Flushing out the deadly blood in your toxins.


xtigaijin

It’s just weakness leaving the body


fabzdel

Yup. Username checkouts.


frusciantefella

It actually hurts a little when I pee right after nutting


autumndew19

If i pee afterwards then i get a tingly kinda feeling in my dick and i intend to pee frquently like every 2 minutes if i pee after wanking..and if i pee beforehand then i cant get it hard enough to wank..should i see a doctor?


lookyloolookingatyou

This is because water tends to separate the actual semen from the seminal fluid (if you've ever jacked off in the shower you know what I mean) and because of the sudden release of tension (loss of blood flow which engorges the penis during arousal). Without seminal fluid, actual semen is incredibly adhesive and your urethra is highly sensitive for several minutes following ejaculation. So you have residual semen in the urethra which is rapidly stripped of it's lubrication and left to adhere to sensitive tissue lining your urethra. Personally, I find that it helps significantly when I able to get an erection immediately after a post-ejaculate urination. The actual burning sensation does not stop, but arousal does tend to lessen the "false urge" to urinate which typically accompanies the burning sensation. EDIT: I am not a doctor.


DoYouStillUseGoogle

this was an answer to a problem i've had several times with no explanation before. Thank you!


bs2266

Holy shit I've been wondering why the fuck this happens to me FOR YEARS. Like since I was a teenager. It happens only every so often, but holy shit it's nice to have an explanation finally. Thank you.


PlaguePandemic2000

Thank God I'm not the only one that happens to, though I find it usually only burns after drinking alcohol. Hopping in the shower helps significantly


DementedWarrior_

If you pee before hand you can’t get hard? Do you have urine for blood?


Themansomething

That’s normal. It happens if some semen didn’t make it out. Yeah it sucks.


SamuelCish

Oh thank God I opened this thread to see if this was mentioned lmao


Hidden2266

Yep, gotta clean the pipes


jigglyjosh92

Peeing after masturbation helps clean out your urethra and can help prevent UTIs... apparently


freckledreddishbrown

I can’t pee for at least a half hour after. The muscles are seized and just will not let go. Never had a UTI (dare I say knock on wood).


FIREbeforeFORTY

I do this beforehand


Storm-Tempest

What about during


HowDoIGetToFacebook

Wonder why I spent so long looking for the "perfect video" if I was only gonna watch 17 seconds of it Edit: I don't think I could be any prouder that my most upvoted/awarded comment on Reddit is about masturbating. Thank you everyone. I'm gonna go rub one out now and I'll be thinking of all of you.


Comprehensive-Menu44

Honestly for me, it’s finding the “perfect video” that is like foreplay. >! If I’m not touching myself while finding it, I’m getting hornier and hornier until I do, !< and then the end result is amazing. Edit: this is not what I thought I’d be famous for but thank you, I appreciate all you horny motherfuckers


Be-Nice-To-Redditors

Having part of your text hidden and having to click on it to see all of what you're saying was like foreplay to me


Comprehensive-Menu44

Honestly that’s what it was meant to convey so you’re welcome


Be-Nice-To-Redditors

Thank you, I just came


itirnitii

what do you do as soon as you finish mastrubating?


TrekForce

Comment about it on Reddit, of course!


TwoTinyTrees

This is honestly one of my favorite little threads that I’ve read in quite some time, and I’ve been here for 8 years. Thank you. Thank all of you horny pervs.


phoenixpoptart

Can confirm. This is how it feels.


godfatherdoh

I know right that always fuking happens I have never seen a porn movie full


InfernalOrgasm

Edging. I'm telling you. It'll take your masturbation to the next level


[deleted]

[удалено]


INFERNOdll

ima fall asleep mid edging


danivus

Edge through the night then wake up and continue edging.


CrazybyRX

This guy mastrubates


Tobytheoffensive420

Watch Linus Tech Tips Edit: the amount of upvotes is now higher than my TVs resolution.


Fave_McFavington

OP said after, not during.


popeshayman

Linus Sex tips 😳😳


destroyerOfTards

I want to eat that RGB Linus bussy


Tobytheoffensive420

I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.


[deleted]

Go BACK to watching Linus Tech Tips


DeedeeCalamity

You mean, CONTINUE watching Linus Tech Tips


[deleted]

“Step motherboard, are you stuck? Do you need some RAM or do you have too much load? Let me give you a hard drive…or do you prefer solid state?” BRB…I’ve got a tube leaking…


oofig1

I have done this a couple times in my life


TonyBop21

You mean...[LINUS SEX TIPS?](https://youtube.com/shorts/Iv2kKbb9cNU?feature=share) 😳😳


AlanElPlatano

I'm afraid to click that link


whydoihatepeople

Watch it for few minutes for the plot in disgust.


Mister_13s

Or continue to watch it just to see if you're as into it after as you were before, then shamefully realize the lack of appeal.


magneticEnvelope

This, for some reason the 'into it' drops by miles afterwards for me. Doesn't matter the content.


Nitroapes

That's the blood rushing back to your logic centers


Stove-Top-Steve

Seriously though. Then fucking purge my phone of all trace. And try and figure out why I needed to do that.


[deleted]

[удалено]


vimmas

I prefer Pawg Patrol


PretendThisIsMyName

Is that the one with Sara Jay dressed as a dog?


FifenC0ugar

You ever realize paw patrol and papa troll sound identical out loud?


Phallicitous

That fact is going to live in my head rent free for days. 🖕


Snippy_Snallygaster

Man I love porn with good plot and acting. I'm a gay dude, and there this one porno where a guy sleeps with his sisters boyfriend. But they went all out on plot, the guy and his sisters parents died when they were young and they had to look out for each other, to the point you really felt the betrayal when she walked in to see her bf going to town on some D. It was actually really well written, and the only time I've watched a porno and thought "Stop, you'll ruin your family!"


shiver21

I masturbate again


dragonkiller2704

Everytime i think ill go for 2 rounds, but every time after the 1st its just sadness, just sadness and dissapointment Edit: and close incognito tab


[deleted]

You gotta give it an hour or two. Cool down time.


Spartan72012

Nah, back to back.


whatwhat751

Make as much eye contact as possible while leaving the library.


ChinaPlate-Mate

You take the dominant approach… smart


COVID_19_Lockdown

What if you meet another doing the same?


Experiment-Cycle

Record it


shellofbiomatter

Sigh disappointedly and clean up.


lenamica

I knew this was going to be the top coment even before clicking on this post.


fish_penis

I thought the top comment would be “cry”


Can_I_Read

I don’t cry, I weep.


Dookieie

why do i always feel so ashamed after im done about what ive watched


MindOfJigsaw

Post nut clarity


Aschentei

Why can’t I have this clarity beforehand?


royalemeraldbuilder

You can...before you start. Just "play the tape through to completion," as my therapist once told me. Think beforehand about what the end result will be, and if it's weeping into a tissue that you just nutted into, don't start. (Obligatory edit) wow! Over 100 upvotes and my first-ever award after over a year! Totally didn't expect this, thank y'all. It's refreshing to say the least.


begentlewithme

It's forbidden knowledge. Men would be too powerful so God nerfed us.


Existential_Lithium

Why did I waste over an hour on Pornhub?


WhiteWolf222

It’s always either an hour or thirty seconds.


Existential_Lithium

Depends on decision making.


CupProfessional5715

Close my eyes and enjoy the „high“


ZacharyS94

Glad someone said this. Everyone's talking about post-nut clarity, which I get, but you can at least savour the nut first


deadpoolfan1001

Very poor choice of words


ZacharyS94

Did I stutter? If I did, this mouthful of cum probably didn't help, to be fair.


RidiculousSheep13

Remember every single mistake I've ever made in life, every sin I've committed, every person I've hurt. Then I go play video games Edit: thank you for the gold kind Reddit person. Why is this getting so many upvotes though? Edit 2: I'm not Catholic, please stop asking


pver297

"I'm in this photo and I don't like it."


CommyTzar

I remember a woman on Reddit asking what it felt like to orgasm as a man. A guy replied saying he had existential dread afterwards. She was horrified


bluelion70

Hahaha this is so accurate


PVG_KEK

Go through the stages of post nut regret


Carpaltunnelsnake

Arthur Schopenhauer called it The Devil's Laughter


Kaoticidiot

Become enlightened and feel no need for human emotions Edit 1: Thanks for my first award!


P4intsplatter

That's quite a blast. Teach me, O bodhisattva of the nut. I seem to be stuck in the karmic wheel, doing the same thing over and over again...


A_Doormat

I swear I could achieve so much in my life if I could just harness that post nut nirvana. Alas it lasts mere seconds.


mediaogre

Rescue the lint drowning in my belly button.


Dankestowl29093

You too?


mediaogre

I call it the “kiddie pool” because, you know, sperm.


TumbleweedDream

Your Reddit privileges should be revoked for this


mediaogre

It really should. My wife calls me the ruiner of all things. Jokingly, but accurate.


FluffyGlass

Sleep like a baby


JacobLongDong69

Ask my teacher if I can go to the bathroom


LittleOutside7130

Cry.......then clean up.


gloriousmess0

Don't need to cry, you spent alone quality time with yourself.


Beriyonce

Sometimes I cry after masturbating because I am lonely lol


Reflection_Capital

Delete my browser history.


Rosetta-im-Stoned

Incognito gang


throwaway_fun_acc123

Duckduckgo, little 🔥 to clear tabs and Data, no Google tracking either


oofig1

What's Google gonna do? Call the horny police?


Glasswall1

Beg forgiveness for my sinful ways. Maybe give myself 10 lashes on the back if it was a particularly disgraceful session.


BritishBoyRZ

Then by the 10th lash you're like "oh... Here we go againnnn 🤷‍♀️"


andrewsteiner88

I literally just laughed out loud to this. Thank you stranger.


Yourboirook

Sounds kinky


InspectorG-007

I look in the mirror and declare to myself: You are smart. You are handsome. And gosh darn it, people like you.


InspectorG-007

Thanks for the reward! I totally deserved it! Positive thinking works!


sq234reddit

Put the lid back on the coffin


Micro9999

Close tabs


Stranger_1436

Wash hands and penis too


DRAGON_SNIPER

*Ends up jerking off again*


godfatherdoh

You mean to say double mastrubating


Random-Dogeboi

I can triple mastubate


lolplsimsad

Cry like a bitch


Stunning-Spirit5275

I never knew girls could disappoint themselves in bed


lolplsimsad

It’s a whole new level of disappointment that even men cannot unlock in women


Stunning-Spirit5275

That makes me feel bad for us both. Fuckin ay bud


lolplsimsad

It’s rough out here man


Stunning-Spirit5275

Feel ya bud. Just hope it gets better


outsidewings109

Hold my beer


lolplsimsad

Do not disappoint me…or in this case, do…?


nellybaby95

But same wtf 😭


lolplsimsad

Cry with me, let’s cry together


Piccione_Rotante

Realizing how trashy was the plot of the porn i just watched


ovaryactor

Tidy my hair and unpress the “elevator stop” button.


Proof-Introduction

Have a good day at work!


ovaryactor

*”good luck at your interview”


cupcakenard

If I‘m not masturbating in the shower - take a shower. I get way too wet lol and it needs to be gone.


Odd-Tumbleweed7651

Listen to heavy metal.


markius18

Clean, lay back and sleep


aguacatefeliz

i say “what is this filth i’m watching” and close all tabs


Julius__Kesar

kiss my grandma goodnight :)


ChinaPlate-Mate

You’ll be in the will for sure


Respond-Such

Post nut ✨clarity✨


Callistai

Round 2


DelilahMoore

Swear I will never masturbate again


DetectiveDeath

The same thing we do everynight pinky, try to take over the world!


NotAGoodUsernamelol

Regret.