TRIGGERING QUESTION: WARNING WARNING lol, Are there are ANY INFJs here who have been HAPPILY married for more than 7 years and are not thinking about calling it quits? And what was your SO's MBTI type?
By - Leadcels
Not married (my partner and I prefer to be domestic partners instead) but been happily in a relationship with my ISTP boyfriend for 7 years now. We want to grow old with each other.
I am in a long term relationship with a ISTJ who I care for deeply but also am not getting everything I want and need in return. I don't know what to do.
In what was does their ISTJness fall short of giving you what you want and need?
And … what DO YOU want and need?
Married 11 years to an INTJ. Crazy how one letter can make such a big difference. Wouldn't have it any other way though. (Secret: One dog, two cats--not an hour goes by when we don't laugh at something they do)
12 years with a fellow infj
Going on 11 years together with my INTP husband. The complex philosophical and intellectual conversations never get old!
Same here. 11 years with an INTP. Never gets boring.
Love you for this
That sounds amazing 🤩 I’d love to have never ending complex philosophical and intellectual conversations with another person. My ISTP boyfriend use to do that with me but he eventually claimed it was all pointless and unnecessary to think about anymore. I miss those years, but I’m happy with where our relationship is at now too.
I've been with my INTP boyfriend for just over 2 years and it's the best relationship I've ever had.
They are the best!
9 years with my INTJ. Very, very happy. A lot of the time, it’s almost like we’re speaking different languages- it’s a lot of work to communicate effectively. But it is an extremely rewarding relationship with a deep level of connection.
I appreciate seeing this. I’m with an INTJ and I also feel like most of our conflict boils down to lost in translation type issues. It’s like we use words in different ways. How did you improve this?
We get stuck in things like:
Her(INTJ): Asks question
Me(INFJ): Tries to answer, adding clarification to try to prevent misinterpretation
Her: Why are you over complicating it? It’s a simple yes or no! I don’t want a whole essay; I don’t want nuance, I just want you to say yes or no!
Me: Well, if you mean this, then yes, if you mean this other thing then no.
Her: I don’t mean either of those things
Me: Then I don’t know. What do you mean?
Her: (exasperated) why do you have to over complicate everything? It’s a simple yes or no question!
I had to just say “no” to end the argument. I’m still not entirely sure I understand what I said in that “simple ‘no’” from her point of view, which is frustrating for me. I tried to explain this but I don’t think I got through at the time.
Or on the other side:
Me: I don’t think you understand why I’m upset.
Her: yes I do. You’re just mad because accurately calling out your BS
Me: …no, that’s not it
Me hours later:…maybe she’s right…or am I gaslighting myself now….?
So I guess it’s a core loop of one person saying “I see things this way” and the other responding in a way the other just hears as “no, you’re wrong” instead of “I see things in this other, different way.”
Somehow we’ve ended up in a state where both of us end up feeling like we’re being told “everything is your fault” by the other person in a fight.
I’ve made it sound bad but those loops are really just when we argue or get mad. Really it’s very nice most of the time, and if we could just more readily accept the other’s point of view when we disagree then I think I would be quite happy with our relationship.
Edit: Family tells me it’s karma. I used to run logical circles around them and now my wife runs logical circles around me.
Exactly! “Use words in different ways” is exactly right.
INTJ (he): Says a thing. “Blah blah X.”
INFJ (me): ‘So you’re saying “blah blah X?”’
INTJ (he): “That’s not what I said.”
INFJ (me): “... but you literally just said ‘blah blah X.’”
INTJ (he): Says a thing. “Blah blah X.”
INFJ (me): ‘So you’re saying “blah blah X?”’
INTJ (he): “...duh. I literally just said ‘blah blah X’ but I guess you weren’t listening.”
INFJ (me): “I was just clarifying.”
INTJ (he): Gets really annoyed that I don’t immediately understand everything he says or that I need to ask for clarification.
INFJ (me): Says thing Y.
…..6 months later…..
INTJ (he): Referring to thing Y- “Remember when you said thing Z?”
INFJ (me): “I never said that…”
INTJ (he): …
It’s like the entire relationship is a cypher and my X is his Y and my B is his C. He’s like “Remember when we talked about thing A?” and I’ll be like “We literally never talked about that.” Only, we probably DID, but to me, it’s not thing A, it’s thing F. He more readily thinks I’m wrong and he’s right, whereas I realize that we’re both probably talking about the same thing, it’s just that I have to turn to chapter 12 in my brain and he has to turn to chapter 17 instead. He’ll ask a question and I’ll give an answer and he’ll be like ‘okay, but you didn’t answer the question’ and I’m like ‘I LITERALLY JUST DID 5 SECONDS AGO.’
Having a conversation is like a game of hide and seek except, as soon as I ‘find’ him, he moves to another place… It’s like, to even have a simple conversation, I’m constantly chasing him and he makes it so complicated when it could be so simple. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “You just made a 5 minute conversation 2 hours long.”
And in the end, as you say, it just comes down to him feeling like I’m blaming him for everything (I’m not) and me feeling like he’s blaming me for everything (he kind of is..?).
It’s not so much that he’s running logical circles around me- it’s that he *thinks* he is. And that is the real difficulty.
So, in conclusion, the improvement has been minimal to moderate at best. The thing that has helped the most is both us being aware of the differences, but at the end of the day beneath it all, he still basically thinks he is right most of the time anyways. If he could just go ‘I can understand how you see it that way, that is also totally valid’ that would be amazing, but it’s like he’s literally incapable. If he’s in a good and relaxed mood, we can have some very effective conversations, but if he’s not completely chilled out, round and round we go.
Like you say, this only comprises like 0.2% of the relationship and most of the time is beautiful and magical and amazing, but it’s definitely formidable to deal with when it comes up.
>If he could just go ‘I can understand how you see it that way, that is also totally valid’ that would be amazing, but it’s like he’s literally incapable.
Haha, when I asked for this, she told me "but if I said that, I would be lying." So I feel you.
>It’s not so much that he’s running logical circles around me- it’s that he thinks he is. And that is the real difficulty.
I feel this too. She's better at actually verbalizing her reasoning, though, and better at deconstructing mine (parent Te vs child Ti maybe?), and I'll eventually get to a point where I end up thinking "I can't find the hole in your argument, I just know there is one", which of course would feel unacceptable to her if I verbalized that. Basically, she would for sure make the better lawyer of the two of us, and I heard "you should be a lawyer" a fair amount myself growing up.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I find normalization like that to be incredibly helpful for staving off my "what's wrong with me" sort of thoughts.
I agree! I am not a very articulate person. In general, I prefer to keep to myself, and I find arguing largely pointless since people don’t like to listen to other points of view anyways, so I’m very unpracticed at it, which really doesn’t help when he likes to approach everything as a debate. He WANTS me to argue back, but I just don’t have the skill or the interest, and ‘you’re wrong because your conclusion is stupid and your logic makes no sense’ doesn’t really fly lol. I usually feel like the ‘smarter’ of the two, but I don’t articulate well, so he usually feels he ‘wins.’
You’re very welcome, and thank you as well! Nothing wrong with us, just a tricky pairing (but very worth it!).
Quite accurate, totally get this...
15 years and I have the best marriage out of every other real life marriage I know. I am not sure my SO's type. I just tested myself and got INFJ and it was dead on and never looked further into all of the other types. It works out great. My SO appreciates me and what I do and respects me and our love languages compliment each other and we have either the same interests or they compliment our lifestyles so there is never any real sacrifices that need to be had other than taking turns on which hobby we will be funding as which time.
This sounds too perfect. TEACH ME!
20 years together, 16 married with another infj
Together almost 20 years (10 married) to an isfj. He is my rock. Couldn’t imagine life without him. We met young so maybe it’s been so good bc we’ve been able to mold each other into being better partners? All I know is he accepts me and all my flaws with unconditional love. Isfj have a very understated love that can be overlooked at first, but they are loyal and intensely love their significant others under the shy muffin. :)
7 years with my entp and I just left him.
I know that wasn't the question, but don't fall for the ENTP trap. I might kill him 👀 (for legal purposes, that is a joke).
Can you elaborate on why you left?
Narcissism, classism, gaslighting, and physical/emotional abuse.
Things were really good for a while. Then bad, then good again, and rinse and repeat.
I'd be the best thing in his world then the thing destroying his potential, depending on whether he was trying to get me to stay or shut up.
He complained about my constant need for him to improve and have forward momentum despite expecting me to continue improving and moving forward.
He was obsessed with his mother, they would cuddle. She has a debit card to his checking account.
He could remember every Pokemon, their generation, type, and counters, but not my favorite restaurant.
He could remember an entire fiction game's rule book but not my middle name or favorite color.
He would make lists of things he enjoyed but forget soap at the supermarket.
Our relationship was marred with toxicity from the beginning, and he still thinks I'm his forever person.
He blames things that happened 5+ years ago for his reactions today, having never brought them up before.
And after I tried to leave, he smashed my ankle and broke my thumb. I gave him two months to get counseling and left eight months later when there had been no change.
My situation isn't better now, I'm not happy where I'm living and I'm not excited for new relationships or new people. Its Possible I'll go back to him, but I need to see real change, and I haven't seen him change in over a decade.
Do not go back to him.
Please NEVER go back to him.
That’s a sick human not an ENTP. He needs help. Not the kind you can give.
Don’t go back to him he’s an abuser! You can do better! He sounds extremely unattractive and immature
My ex was like that. They don't change, especially the older they get, regardless of their type.
Jeeeeez that’s awful
Being alone is better than this. Give yourself time for rebirth.
He mentally and physically abused you. Why on earth would you even consider going back??
I don’t mean this as a slight, as I needed the same for me, but please consider finding a therapist you trust. It sounds like you need to find your self worth, because you absolutely deserve better than that person.
I have a very good therapist and healthy self worth, it's just really difficult to exist in this dystopic capitalism without dual income and the options on that are all pretty bad at the moment. Always keeping my eye out for new doors though, and not currently with him.
However, the person I am currently with is also pretty mean, so it's kind of a game of pick your poison until I can afford to live alone or find someone who's not a straight up project that I don't want to do to live with.
My thought process is at least with my husband I know what I'm getting, and he's not very strong.
None of that sounds like healthy self worth. There are free apps to find roommates. Capitalism has a lot that it can be blamed for, but marrying abusive assholes isn’t one of them.
There's a lot to consider, but it's mostly pets. We have eight and while I've been looking, nobody is jumping up and down to be a roommate with the crazy reptile lady.
While it sucks to be in such a position, it might come between choosing to not have so many pets in order to get away from abuse.
You can do you, I'm not leaving my pets. I'm in a position to move and keep some of them and that's what I'm choosing at this moment. Self awareness that I might go back is not harming anyone, please recognize that I am not asking for advice here. Thanks.
You’re a grown adult, so if you want to walk back into abuse you’re obviously free to do that. Good luck.
I've been with my ENFP husband for 13 years in this coming November, though we've only been married about a year. We've known each other for 34 years though and had dated before when we were in high school. I've never seriously considered leaving him. I truly can't imagine being without him, and there is only one other person in my life I feel like that about.
As an enfp, that's quite assuring, coz I think infj are the one's whom I connect with the most, and was scrolling to just find this
He is truly my partner in every sense of the word. I hope you find yours, whether they are INFJ or not. :)
Definitely happily Married for 10…met when we were twelve…have dated for 18.
I’m INFJ. She’s INTJ.
I knew with 100% certainty I wanted to be with her the rest of my life at 15.
I was also completely OK with accepting that may not have happened but fortunately she was the same.
The biggest pre-marriage relationship advice ai can give anyone (not that anyone is asking but fuck it)-
1. It’s a choice more than anything else
2. Slow everything down. Way down. Our culture moves too fast through all forms of relationships and we treat people as disposable. As an INFJ I feel this deep in my being and have acted accordingly for the majority of my life.
When were you sure she was the one?
Been married to my ESTJ husband for 5 years, together for 7. I love the shit out of him but not going to lie, it’s rough sometimes - we’re just so polar opposite. Wish I would’ve known how incompatible our types were in the beginning but I don’t think I would’ve done things differently anyways.
Yes 21 years with my ISFP husband. He’s amazing
Been with my exfp husband for 10 years. Married for 5. I Xed out the s/n function cause i am not sure what he is. He often gets enfp on tests. But i honestly am not sue. He displays both Ne and Se qualities. We are pretty happy. But i do miss having deep convos (he prefers talking about random things and hops from topic to topic and never wants to talk about the deeper meaning of life). But he is lots of fun. Energetic and enjoys going on adventures with me. He is also nerdy and likes to play games with me and gives me space when i need it.
But he can be very flaky so all of the organization of our day to day lives is my job. He just makes money and wants to play and have fun on his free days. He doesnt care about whats for dinner or when we need to buy a house or pay bills or solve problems. Which stresses me out. I am sure when we have kids he will be the fun one and i will be the strict one.
ESFPs generally don’t like playing with theoretical ideas; contemplating for contemplating’s sake is a drag. ESFPs are also quite stylish, I think they’re the most aesthetically minded of all the types. The phrase “Your attire!/appearance speaks before you do” seems to really resonate with them.
Everything the ESFP focuses on in the physical sense is what the ENFP focuses on in the abstract and theoretical sense. ENFPs seem to be allergic to ‘consistent responsibility’ / tasks, routine work; suddenly it’s like all their energy is sapped out of them. They also have amazing wit.
No matter how wealthy they are, I still feel like ENFPs need someone to pick out their clothes for them. They seem to have trouble knowing how to ‘dress for an occasion’.
As i mentioned he has both Se and Ne qualities. He is very particular about what he wears (but could be Fi coming out) though he dresses in the same kind of style and has been for years he also likes the same music he has liked since he was a teen.
He is also quite pragmatic and though he likes playing around with ideas he hates discussing theories, but i have had discussing with him where he has had amazing insights. He would rather talk about cars or cool games or things in the real world. I like to talk about things deeply and analyze them, he hates this and gets bored and would say something random like "what if aliens were to fall out of the sky now?" Just to change the topic. I don't know if this is more Ne or Se. He does have amazing wit and a wicked sense of humor. We also really vibe well and sometimes seems like we are talking another language which i only really get with other intuitives.
But he also likes physical activities he is good at dancing, driving a car, playing games that require fast coordination - very Se. He seems to take things at face value, accept people as they are. He doesnt question too much. Doesn't like reading. Honestly he confuses me a lot. I am sure he us an extrovert a feeling and prospecting but i am so confused about the Se or Ne. He is also very tuned into other people's emotions and can notice very quickly that something is bothering me just by a slight change in the tone of my voice. He is also the first person to comfort someone when they are sad or calm someone down when they are angry. He is super fun to be around as he is always happy.
I've asked him to do the test so many times. He hates taking the test or any quizzes and does not care to talk about mbti at all. On 16 personalities he gets enfp. But if i think about his functions i end up just scratching my head.
7 years INTJ. Don't see myself with anyone else. Love him forever.
Together for 25 years and married for 9. He is an infp. Very happily I might add.
13 years and going strong. My wife is an esfp.
Don’t let a midlife crisis tear you apart. Let it make you stronger together. :)
There's hope lol
24 years to my ENTJ. It has its ups abs downs. My thought is the grass is never greener on the other side. You just get another set of problems with some one else.
16 years married, 19 years together with ISTP ❤️
Wait I want to know more, so did you all simply date for a few years and then live together for 2 years and then tied the knot?
Alright alright, i admit, i want to hear the love story if you ever have time.
I deleted my original response because as always I second guessed how I answered your question 😔
It is not the typical love story...
When we first started dating I was still dealing with my abusive ex. My husband stood by my side and supported me as I dealt with that situation. After a month of dating he told me he loved me! Those three words from his mouth changed my life. I couldn't understand how he could love me when I felt broken, however he saw me for me and loved me.
Due to my past and my parents being divorced I didn't want to rush into marriage. My thought was that if I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone it didn't have to be rushed. Thankfully my husband understood. We dated for a year and half and we were engaged a year and half (living together for all 3 years). We learned so much about each other during this time which I really think set the foundation for our marriage.
It hasn't always been easy however at the end of the day he is my best friend, lover and father of our children. I couldn't have asked for a better partner for me.
I wish this was my story... male side obviously.
Seven years with a fellow INFJ. We have been through hell and back through life circumstances but we are an amazing team and know they are my person.
few years with my ISTP, not 7 years yet but they are the only person i have ever imagined myself with that long. ❤️
17 years with an ENFP and happy as ever.
More than half my life with mine.
What are they like as a person? Any major conflicts?
She's tidy, I'm not. She's very organizedBy nature I'm only organized as a result of work. I'm creative, she wants instructions.
We fill in each other's gaps. It's good.
Excellent! I wish you all the best with your poly / non-monogamous relationships. 💙
i find it weird..
just that honestly I would do that if I let my perversion and my dark side get in the way. For me love is for one person, especially if you have kids behind you... And especially for romance. If I can love two people lovingly, why not 3? or 10? or 400? And then, I would never have the time to take care of all my lovers, would reduce the time I have for the first one that normally I would have chosen as my chosen one for life... That's my point of view. Also, I've seen studies that say it destroys your ocitocin, a female attachment hormone, which can make her unhappy quickly if there are problems. I don't think it's love when you love more than one person the same way.
It seems to blow up in most people's faces eventually. It did in my case.
That’s awesome! What is it like to be in a relationship with 2 extroverts lol
Amazing when we're all physically together! Harder when I'm away from my girlfriend specifically as she is VERY focused on what's in front of her in the present moment. Husband is better about that, but we also spend an insane amount of time together (especially since I started working from home lol). But it's safe to say, life is never boring and both push me to do things I wouldn't do on my own, which is awesome. I get super deep, intellectual conversations with him, super emotional and complex conversations with her, and both have taught me how to be more present and just enjoy myself.
That sounds really beautiful! And it sounds like a super balanced relationship with both of them. And how they both bring out different parts of you. I’m glad you are able to have that!
🥰 it's pretty fantastic hehe
Married to an esfj....happy has been an elusive mystery for years now
Can you explain that a bit? I’m interested in an ESFJ right now. 😅
The lack of intuitive communication and inability to accuratly communicate via language.
It was butterflies and rainbows at first.
Her ESFJ emotions were really high and I found her fascinating also uplifting.
As for the negative stuff. I dont wana make any assumptions or projections on how my situation went vs others.
However the inability to connect intuitively, and intellectually is severly limited by such different processing mechanisms.
Unless you keep it surface talk or talk to listen.
Yeah, that is my fear.
I was thinking the FJ thing would *more than* make up for everything else.