Come up with your safer sex elevator speech, and before things get sexy, go through it and ask your partner to share theirs. Takes maybe 5 minutes tops if you practice it. My outline below.
* Right now I have (number) regular sex partners,
* (and I don't use barriers with (number) of them).
* I get tested for STIs every (timeframe)
* and last got tested around (time).
* Tests were (all negative, negative except (STI/s I have))
* and since then I've had (number) other sex partners
* which (is typical for me, will likely increase now that I'm doing more dating, will likely decrease if I find a new regular partner, etc).
* With new people I normally (any protection you use) and (any sex acts you favor/avoid).
* I prevent pregnancy by (method/s)
* and if pregnancy happens I would (action).
* FYI, please avoid (any hard limits that might come up).
* If any of that changes I will update you before sex happens again.
* What about you?
Bonus planning! If you go through that and someone discloses they
* are cool with unprotected sex with new people
* haven't been tested lately
* were tested but not for herpes
* have HSV1
* have HSV2
* have HPV or a partner who had it recently
* have HIV which is undetectable
...what are you going to be comfortable doing sexually with this person today if anything, and what do you need to know before you do more?
I really want to send this to the guy who accused me of making him feel like I was the CIA interrogating him for simply asking for test results...
Good on you for asking all of the questions. Giant fan of transparency and have lost some loves due to their disinterest in keeping up. But my safety and the safety of all of my partners is paramount for me.
Yesss! Honestly if someone puts up any fight at all about it, hard pass. I just end it. That means they are either uneducated and/or don’t care about their or their partners health. I’ve had other partners who are more than happy to go get tested and share results… that should be the norm!
OhMori! You beautiful glorious human! I couldn’t not have typed it out as eloquently as you have!
That being said I’ve been with my three partners for so long we send each other pictures of the results 😂
It surely gets easier! But I saved this because people not being sure if they're on the same page struggle with it, or if they don't may end up finding out they aren't on the same page about STIs after they're already attached. It really takes way less long to discuss than it did to write up!
Variation, of course, is that for the small number of people who are well aware that their precautions are more than most, and who want to find people with similar priorities, it is better to ask what a potential partner typically does first and then share. But for the typical person who needs to start a conversation at all, the important part is knowing what they want to say and making everyone comfortable to discuss it.
Researching the scenarios at the bottom of this post is so valuable, because it means that when you encounter someone who discloses a stigmatized condition, you can respond from a position of informed confidence. This can be the difference between a yes and a no, or a yes where you second guess if your judgment was clouded, or a thoughtless response that hurts the other person.
It really, really is. I have been in this situation myself without a plan and was kinda "um, gonna have to look into that more," but thankfully was with an A+ discloser who was graceful and able to suggest several safe activities we could do that day for me to choose from. Now I have a plan if it happens again! But I include that every time I post this, because yeah, getting it together and asking means you find out stuff, and then what, right?
I had a lover who disclosed managed, undetectable HIV, and luckily, I had just happened to read up on treatment/prevention a few weeks prior. Because I’d followed my curiosity and just kept looking into different study results, I was confident that I had all the information I needed to move forward.
When we had a condom break early on, I was able to settle my nerves about it by reminding myself that I’d assessed the facts with a cool head, and there was realistically zero chance of transmission.
And the important thing is being near the same page. You can ask for anything you want, but if your partner's normal is to do a bunch of things you never would, then either you feel comfortable using some set of precautions with people of unknown STI status or you don't, because that partner is functionally always going to be of unknown STI status. You can see what was probably true last December 10th with your own eyes if that helps, but if your partner had sex with anyone in the several months prior to then or the several months since, realistically it's incomplete information.
This is a really nice, comprehensive list! For clarification, when you say HPV, do you mean the type that causes warts or the type that causes cervical cancer? I ask because according to most sources, the vast majority of folks have exposure to the latter. To make matters worse, men aren’t screened and although guidelines recommend screening for women over 21, co-testing isn’t typically recommended for women over 29 and the effects of HPV can take years to declare itself. I therefore tend not to ask about that one since most don’t know even though I do disclose that I had a LEEP for the HSIL that unfortunately declared itself at my most recent screening.
I agree that I don't tend to ask because people rarely know. Realistically much more of an "if someone does disclose, then what" issue. I had HPV briefly and it cleared, and even in that situation I wasn't told what type - I was in the process of getting the vaccine at the time which I ultimately continued doing because it still protects against the *other* cancer and wart causing kinds. Disclosed to my partners at the time, with whom I was already using barriers, and one stepped up their hand washing a little (might just have been a general increase in awareness that this could help, as he has continued despite my being cleared for some time).
Recommending the HPV vaccine to folks my age who didn't get it as teens is another kind of STI related conversation I often have, but I don't prioritize having that one before sex. I'm doing what I can to protect myself, and while it's a good thing if my partner also wants to do that for themselves and has interest in public health policies, it's not necessarily a total deal breaker if they don't.
This take completely makes sense! Thanks for explaining. This is more or less how I feel too. I haven’t had my first post-LEEP pap yet, so I don’t know whether I’ve cleared the virus. I therefore think it’s warranted to give this info to my partners, but I don’t expect people to know their status. I also got the vaccine even though I’m a bit old for it, figuring it couldn’t hurt to protect against other common strains of HPV, and I also tend to advocate others do the same if they haven’t already.
I've never asked for writing, but I do ask more questions than "have you been tested for STI's?"
It's more:
When was your last test?
What were the results?
How many sexual partners have you been with since the test?
Did those partners receive an STI/STD test before sex with you?
Did you engage in sex with any of the partners who tested positive with any STI?
Personally, I find how they respond dictates their opinion on the matter. Having an STI isn't a hard no for me, as long as steps can be taken to cure it prior to sex. If somebody's mature about it and is willing to have a conversation without it being super cringe they're probably telling me the truth. If somebody seems impatient or gets really defensive, I'm not going to have sex with them.
This is also a nice indicator for just how they will behave in a relationship. Let's face it, life is gross and uncomfortable sometimes. Can this person be an adult about it?
Oh I also have this conversation in a setting that sex is absolutely off of the table. That way the more sex motivated people don't really have a reason to stretch the truth. I personally can't do hookups so this is normally brought up on the first/second date.
This OP.
And to add something about the types... it can vary. You're right that there are SO many different tests out there. [I've used this one from CVS](https://www.cvs.com/shop/cvs-health-at-home-sti-hiv-test-kit-1-ct-prodid-401987) in the past and will probably continue to do so. The $5 CarePass subscription for the month takes $20 off the price tag.
It covers: HIV, Syphilis, Herpes simplex 2, Hep C, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, & Trichomoniasis
You offer to show your tests, then ask for theirs, if they try avoiding that, then something is fishy on their side.
There is this saying: who have everything alright does not hide nor worry.
>if they try avoiding that, then something is fishy on their side.
Not necessarily. I mean, how they respond to it really matters, and if they're intentionally trying to avoid or come up with big excuses is a real red flag. But there are plenty of times where you just straight up don't get a copy of your test results unless you test positive.
>But there are plenty of times where you just straight up don't get a copy of your test results unless you test positive.
This! And if you don't Trust me to be Honest?fuck off... I've got other offers.
Yeah that's a thing. Now that I test with my primary I get results in writing either way, but literally have never gotten a result from screening with planned Parenthood throughout my 20s because they don't come back with any results unless they're positive.
I don't show people my medical records, it's not a red flag. If someone doesn't trust me at my word, it's not a good match. If someone sees that as fishy, fine, let's move on. I don't produce paperwork to prove myself.
The testing center I go to does not provide any kind of written results. It would be impossible for me to show proof. This has never been an issue for me, and I guess it is quite common in my country, for medical privacy reasons.
In my experience, written proof is rarely given as a default stance. I even had one clinic that didn't even talk to you by default. Their policy was "no news is good news" and they'd only contact you if you had a positive result for something.
Regardless, I'm fairly confident most jurisdictions do have laws giving you a right to your own medical records if you request them. Not saying you need to start requesting them, but just letting you know it is an option should you ever want access.
>"no news is good news" and they'd only contact you if you had a positive result for something.
Yep, that's how the county clinic I use works. I'm sure I could get proof if I cared to, but I don't.
The place I go to doesn't ask my actual name. I just get a code. So there are no medical records to ask for, and I like it that way.
Nobody has ever asked me for proof of an STI test, and if somebody did, I would not be interested in being involved with such a paranoid person anyway.
Just my perspective:
Back a year ago was the first time my nurse's office provided me with visual results. Previously I'd only ever get a phone call informing me what tests I took and that they were negative.
If asked to show results I'd have been able to figure it out, but it certainly would have elicited a pause from me while I processed the request.
I guess my point is that not all hesitation is inherently dishonest.
I once had to jump through hoops to have documents from PP to show my meta. I won't do it anymore. Nobody gets to see my medical records. Take me at my word, or don't, that's fine.
That's fair. It's totally your call. If I don't trust you, I might not be worth your time.
My provider finally started using an app so in my case it's something I'm comfortable quickly accessing but I acknowledge your point.
Edit: showing a partner is something I'd do. A meta? That's a bit much.
I get tested annually and my partners get tested at least annually. I'm not okay with less frequent testing than that.
My serious partner and I have agreed to use condoms with new partners until STD status is confirmed. I do not need to see the actual results/ proof, and it would be a pain in the ass to produce mine, so I won't.
If I do not trust a person to be telling me the Truth about their sexual history and the precautions that they take (STD testing, barrier usage, etc), then I do not Trust them enough to fuck them. Full Stop.
I’m immunocompromised. I don’t have sex with any new partners until they have a test beforehand. If that’s a boundary they can’t commit to, we don’t have sex. Even something “relatively harmless” like HPV or HSV can have major complications for people who are immunocompromised.
I always offer to show new partners proof of my own testing. They have always responded in kind.
I normally just send on a screenshot of my results and people tend to follow suit. If someone wants to get offended that I'm making sure my health is safe then that's on them.
It's also not even like oh maybe they're lying but maybe I get tested for things they don't. Like I don't get tested for hep B because I'm vaccinated for it, and I've had people ask me about it but if I didn't send on those results they wouldn't know
I'm in the UK and we have a slightly different setup for results - there's a free service where you can get up to 4 tests by post per year (you can also get in clinic appointments, but they're harder to get at the moment and require active symptoms), and your results are published in your account with a shareable link so you can send them to partners. Most people I know use it.
I lead by example and bring up my results on my phone, people usually respond by bringing up theirs, but results are just part of the conversation.
Lying about STD status to sleep with someone counts as a crime in some jurisdictions. So, taking people at their word isn't as naive as it might at first sound. But there also isn't anything wrong with asking for proof. Which just means asking to see their test results.
For me though, if I'm getting any vibe that they aren't completely trustworthy and that I need to double check what they're saying, then I take that as my subconscious protecting me and I just don't sleep with them. I either take them at their word or I don't give them the chance.
I'm also not as scared of STD's as a lot of people seem to be. Pretty much all STD's are curable or I have a vaccine against them. The only one that actually scares me is HIV and even that isn't a death sentence any more. Would be a chronic illness though which I'd rather avoid. Any other STD wouldn't prevent me from sleeping with them. We'd just avoid fluid bonding until if/when they got cured. I would avoid being with someone with HIV, which does make me feel like a hypocrite because I know logically there are ways to be safe with that too, but that's just the one stigma I can't shake out of my brain.
Regarding tests, most places I've been too do have a general STD panel they do plus a few tests that they charge extra. I don't pay extra for the herpes test, but otherwise recommend getting all that you can done. The reason I don't go for the herpes test is because something like three quarters of adults have herpes, so you should just assume it's a thing. Most people are asymptomatic and learning that you have it won't change anything for you, other than maybe freak you out. Some places try to avoid freaking people out unnecessarily by only testing for HSV2, aka "genital herpes", which only affects something like 20% of adults, but there's no significant difference between that and HSV1 (oral herpes). They both have the same effects, both can affect the same areas (mouth and genitals), and neither are really dangerous. Again, most people are completely asymptomatic. Those who do have symptoms get painful red bumps on occasion that last about a week but no real health detriments.
You are well researched. I am a big advocate of honest test status. Some folks are not. Thank you for your well writen reply. All redit users should read it.
HIV isn't even a chronic illness anymore if you get it diagnosed soon enough, daily medicine completely halts it and makes it untransmissable to partners even without protection.
Also, men who have sex with men are no longer the most newly diagnosed, heterosexual men are! And that's even considering heterosexual men get themselves tested way less overall, and far less regularly in comparison.
EDIT: My bad, I should have specified this was UK news, it was a quickly written comment meant to show some positivity. I'm on a work break and won't be sifting through the HSA data to give you specifics but here's a press release on what I meant, more accurately worded; https://www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade
For the record, chronic illness just means something that doesn't go away. There have been a few people cured of HIV, but realistically it still would be a chronic illness requiring regular medication (as you mentioned) even if completely managed.
I do appreciate all of your added info though! It really doesn't deserve the scary reputation any more. Personally, I'm already disabled and managing several chronic conditions for the rest of my life. I don't need something else requiring meds and doctor appointments, and I can totally understand a healthy person not wanting any chronic conditions. Even managed, they aren't fun.
Plus, there's an irrational fear there that I can't shake after growing up in the aids epidemic.
My bad, I guess I kinda of differentiate chronic illness as meaning suffering with symptoms, while I'd call a chronic condition something latent or unobservable, but that's 100% personal language rather than scientific. Just wanted to be a bit positive!
MSM make up an estimated 2% of the US population, but accounted for 66% of new annual HIV infections in 201715
As of 2019, 56% of people living with HIV in the US contracted it through male-to-male sexual transmission16
As of 2018, 1 in 6 MSM living with HIV was unaware of their status13
Analysis of HIV diagnoses between 2010 and 2016 found that new infections among all MSM in the US remained stable, but they increased 65% among young Black American MSM aged 25 to 34 and 68% among Hispanic/Latino American MSM in that same age group15
https://www.gileadhiv.com/landscape/state-of-epidemic/?gclid=CjwKCAjwq-WgBhBMEiwAzKSH6KzpBqE_i7ApCqZGfnT77rYpz3TA3DQY-9A6xp4ycwBducvHu3yB2RoCtfIQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
My bad, I should have specified this was UK news (45% gay men, 49% heterosexuals), however I notice all your sources are from 2010-2018, may I recommend updating them? I'm referencing data from 2022!
However, it was a quickly written comment meant to show some positivity and i could have worded it more accurately and provided references. As I'm on a work break I won't be sifting through the HSA data to give you specifics but here's a press release on what I meant, more accurately worded; https://www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade
Yeah so all I'm saying is maybe find some more recent sources since 2010-2018 is quite a long time ago, medically and statistically speaking.
The HIV stigma on the queer community is so high impact that quoting outdated data that's no longer relevant and supersceded by more positive, recent data essentially re-enforces this antiquated idea that men who have sex with men are a 'problem community' regarding HIV, which is quite damaging and inaccurate.
🤣🤣 Quotes incredibly outdated data to counter my comment, then ignores my already listed more recent reference and tells me to go do their research for them.... Some people 🙄
For fucks sake it takes less time to find new data than it does to post a comment, both of you are lazy. This literally took me 20 seconds to google.
https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/statistics/overview/in-us/incidence.html#:~:text=Men%20reporting%20heterosexual%20contact%20accounted,of%20estimated%20new%20HIV%20infections.
https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/overview/data-and-trends/statistics/
I'd like sources on that second paragraph. It is exceedingly hard to transmit HIV through PIV sex, so I'd assume the leading cause would be drug use then, no?
As I'm on a work break and won't be sifting through the 2022 HSA data to give you specifics but here's a press release on what I meant, more accurately worded; https://www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade
And you can always look up the HSA data yourself with a quick Google.
I should have specified this is UK news, not international.
Lots of good advice from other people here. This is my 2 cents; it was a boundary for me to know the status of anyone I am dating. I make it clear that i would be willing to help find them testing and wait for results before going further.
This was how my gf treated me, too. It was more of a bonding over mutual understanding and not a fear or shame thing.
Open communication is always good. And, you have a right to draw boundaries and say, "I need this."
I offer to show mine and ask to see theirs. No reasonable or responsible person should be upset at this request. also, if they dont take me up on the offer to see mine i sideeye them it shows sexual irresponsibility imo
Yes I take people at their word. If I’m comfortable enough to have sex with someone I believe it is reasonable to take them at their word. I feel it is very invasive to ask to see someone’s medical documentation and I would not provide my own as there is almost always other personal information on those tests I am not interested in sharing. Honestly I ask more to see their comfort and response than anything else. I want to know they are thinking about it. It’s always clear if they are not. Besides that I maintain my regimen of testing every 3 months, Prep and condoms with new partners who have penises. In 4 + years I have never had an issue and only had one partner call to let me know they caught an STI. He was responsible to call right away and I got tested that week and was cleared. It was no big deal. We have seen each other again since. I also notified my other partner about his testing positive and honestly her response has been upsetting. I let her know and told her I was getting tested. Her response was “gross” and she stopped talking to me after I got the all clear. We dated a year and she is just ghosting me. It’s so disappointing. The best thing to do to cultivate great honest partnerships is not to shame anyone for being honest and doing the right thing. An STI scare is stressful but it’s worse to be the one who needs to call and say “Sorry I have X! Go get tested”. I think this half of reducing STIs is missing from our education. STI stigma spreads more STIs. It doesn’t reduce them or help anyone, it just keeps people from notifying partners and being open enough with their doctors to actually get testing and treatment.
I personally just take people at their word, and have never been asked to provide evidence. Usually I get my results via phone call or verbally at an appt, so I wouldn't have proof anyway. Maybe it's different in other countries?
I actually did ask for a printout one time but it was a waste of paper because no one wanted to see it.
It depends on your risk tolerance. Personally I would want to see the actual report to know what was tested and the status. For me, it's a big deal. For others it's really not.
I ask to see the test. I had one man tell me he didn’t have anything, and went on and on about the importance of sexual health. When I asked to see his test results, he had tested positive. I’m not the only woman I know who has encountered this. I had another produce his test results, and it looked like he had a full panel done and was was good to go. The one item he wasn’t tested for - trich - I got from him, from about 5 seconds of just the tip - and while Google likes to say it’s an easily treatable condition, I’ve been battling a drug resistant form for 5 months and had a life threatening allergic reaction to the only drug available for it. It’s cost me the ability to have physical contact below the waist and a ton of time and money.
My advice is to go line by line on their test. This is your body and your health and there are lots of STDs, like trich, that spread despite condoms or without penetration. My life has been turned upside down by it. If someone is put off by my requesting to see their results, so be it, they aren’t the person for me. If I am ever able to have sex again I’ll require a full panel that includes trich, HSV 1 & 2, and mycoplasma hominis and genitalium (Mgen). I know it’s hard to find providers to test for mycoplasma without symptoms but there are companies online that provide it.
I don't ask for proof. I ask when they were last tested, what they were tested for and what the results were. I also ask how many people they've slept with since then, and if any of those encounters were unprotected. If someone can fluently answer those questions and I don't get any weird vibes of lying or obfuscation, then I move forward accordingly.
When I get tested I test for syphilis, Chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, HPV and there's a couple other lesser known ones (trich?something) that my doctor does as well. I don't test for HSV because when I've tried to ask the doctor it's a battle and they contend it's not worth the test 🤷🏻♀️
I can miss work to make an appointment and pay $88 to be tested at my doctors office to be able to get a paper copy of the results, or I can be tested for free at the drop in clinic at the health department (which is open after hours) and I would only be notified if I tested positive for something.
Unfortunately, a huge portion of community based std testing is done with zero paper trail and someone saying they don’t have proof of testing has nothing to do with their suitability as a partner.
Everyone has different levels of comfort with sexual health risks. If you want to see test results and it's non-negotiable, say so. If you're okay with verbal reassurances of negative results, say so. If the person you are talking to has a different standard that is incompatible with yours, then you both know you can move on. If whomever is less stringent is willing to do what the more stringent person prefers, great!
It's also really important to remember that people have different reasons for the level of reassurance they need. Sometimes it's their own health, or a partner's, that would be particularly compromised with certain types of exposure. Sometimes it's that they don't have access to health care and can't afford to get sick, even with something cureable let alone if it's something that causes cancer or other longterm health issues. It's not necessarily a lack of trust in you if someone requests to see test results before agreeing to sex.
Asking for a copy of the lab report is completely acceptable, especially as you are establishing trust.
My partner of over a year literally just texted me her recent STI labs as I was typing this 😭
I am asking because I'm genuinely confused and curious: how can your partner(s) guarantee no exposure after getting tested? I mean...the only way I can think of is to not engage in sexual activity 🤔
It depends when my last tests were. Most often I suggest going to get tested together. It makes it very easy to check results and I know they went. Really though at that point there have been several discussions about sex and I generally have a good idea of how they view safety and if it matches my needs. A year or two ago my girlfriend was meeting with a couple and they gave her fake results that she would have missed if she hadn't been reading carefully. You are the best advocate for your safety. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/on7lz5/you_are_your_only_advocate_a_rant_about_safety/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
If a new partner wants to chaperone me to doctors appointment because they don't trust I'll go. I no longer want to have sex with them. It's not cute or romantic.
Its not presented or handled like that. It's hey I'm going to get tested next week would you like to go together and make a day of it. They can say no or make their own arrangements.
I think it's the "because they don't trust I'll go" part that really does me in. I feel like trusting your partner is a really important thing in poly relationships, and it would absolutely turn me off if my partner said "well, I don't trust that you'll do it. So I'm going to go with you and we'll do it together." If you don't trust me, why are you here?
I’ve also never asked for writing, but I do tend to share how often I get tested, what I get tested for, how many partners I have, how I prevent pregnancy, and how many I don’t use barriers with. Usually, they respond to this by volunteering their own info! If they don’t, or if they act weird about testing or using barriers, I’m out.
I always ask to see the test results first time. So many people I’ve met will blow smoke up my ass regarding testing, so, ya, proof the first time. After that, I don’t really care about much besides regular testing. I use condoms with all partners.
I once dated a guy who hadn’t been tested in a long time (if he was even telling the truth) and kept giving excuses as to why he hadn’t gotten tested when I asked if he would. I told him we’d have to use protection at least until I knew his status.
Then one time he stealthed me and pulled the condom off mid-sex without my consent and I didn’t realize what had happened until afterward. Thankfully he didn’t give me any STIs.
So I don’t trust anyone much anymore. If they refused to get tested and show the results, I pass, because that is a red flag to me.
I got tested a few months ago and they only gave my results out over the phone, ie. no proof. The reasoning being they wanted to be sure that this information only went to the patient, and couldn't be intercepted by someone else.
I would have preferred a printout but I guess they provide a cheap service to people in need so I can't complain. Just be aware that some people may not be able to provide documented proof.
I would never ask for proof; if I don't trust someone enough to trust their word on STI testing, I don't trust them enough to sleep with them anyway. Full stop.
Being able to be chill about STIs is also important to me. I see someone being overly anxious about the possibility as a sign of them maybe not being that experienced with stuff. (Excepting if they have a specific issue like being immunocompromised or something of course.)
They're bad and worth being careful of, but you can never expect to protect yourself 100% from all of them\* and if you want to be promiscuous I think you need to make peace with that. They aren't nearly as scary as a lot of monogamous people feel they are. If its the serious ones you're worried about and you aren't sure, use condoms. If you don't want to do that look into Prep. Most of the others are curable.
I say this because its important to balance a desire for safety with a respect for other's privacy. Its okay to ask for anything you need, but its also okay for someone to not want to share their full relationship history right before a hookup, or show you important and private medical documents. It's just kind of private. They might also be HIV+ but successfully treated and non infectious, and this is also something someone might reasonably want to keep to themselves.
Its good to just educate yourself about how they all work so you can watch for symptoms in partners who may not have noticed them, and if you do have an infection or close call you can not stress about it so much.
\*Herpes 1 can be transmitted by kissing and at least half of people have it although for most its dormant; crabs can happen even with condoms; condoms can break. Each infection has an incubation window where its undetectable to testing but the person can still become infectious if they contracted whatever it was within that window.
I ask for their results to verify myself, as in the documentation or a picture of the results if they get them digitally on a health app. I am always down to show someone mine and if they are uncomfortable showing me their test results, I am uncomfortable having sex with them.
I honestly ask for their results in papers😂 and it didn’t prevent me from having some infections even though i use protection vaginally all the time but how can you protect yourself orally?
Just going to leave this here for you: https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/planned-parenthood-advocates-arizona/blog/std-awareness-stigma-and-sexually-transmitted-diseases
I don’t. Not at first.
When I only had one partner at a time, I would sometimes have unprotected sex with strangers. There’s no room for lying here: I’m demonstrating through my willingness that I’m a careless idiot who will have unprotected sex with strangers. If they are less careless and less idiotic, they do not have unprotected sex with me. Otherwise… yeah, careless idiocy ensues.
So I *know* that there are careless idiots out there.
Now that I have regular partners, I’m less careless. The first times I have sex with people, I don’t know them well and they don’t know me well. I don’t yet know if they might be tempted to lie or downplay to get sex. They don’t yet know if they can trust me not to freak out unreasonably. I just assume they have cooties and play accordingly.
I put off the explicit conversations about STIs and testing for about six months and I restrict those conversations to people I believe won’t lie. “Have you ever had an STI?” “Do you go for STI testing?” The answers have always been “No” and “Yes” so the conversations have never really gone much further than that.
Frequency:
Eight years ago my public health nurse took a detailed health and sexual history and advised me to get tested every six months. The last time I went I reviewed that recommendation with her and she said that they don’t really have frequency recommendations any more. People tend to be their own best judges of their risk and go in at appropriate intervals for them.
If a public health nurse with detailed information, excellent training and long experience isn’t going to tell my partner how often they should be testing, I’m not in a position to have an opinion. If they’ve done testing at a public clinic then they’ve met with a public health nurse and gotten personalized counselling. I satisfy myself with that.
Hookups/one offs/strangers; I'd like to see proof - I usually ask if they can show me their results and they usually send screenshots.
Relationships? If I can't trust your word we shouldn't be dating
Unless they are handing you a written test as they walk out of the clinic, it's of little practical use. All's a test result sheet will tell you is their status on the day they tested and provides no assurance of STD safety from that moment on.
I ask about testing (when, what for, how many partners since then), and i pay attention to their reactions, but I don't ask to see a copy of test results. People lie, sure, but pdfs can also be faked.
Whether or not I even get a foot of my results depends on how I get tested (thrive my pcp = no results, if I use getcheckedoutonline I get a copy), so like... meh
I get tested regularly even though I'm in a closed V hinge at the moment (just becausethere are things that can change or infectios that can happen by accident via daily stuff). Before any of us jumped into the sheets we had a very open and honest conversation about how many people we had been with and if protection was used or not and if any of them had any gifts to pass along. We also got tested and the place we went to provided us with not only different options of what to test for (we all chose the test that covered the most) but also provided us with our emailed results regardless of if there was nothing to report. We then sent those documents to each other. We plan to follow the same guidelines if we ever decide to expand our polycule.
Eyes wide open. I'm not saying we would never have sex with someone who had say herpes, but informed consent is just as vital as anything else when it comes to a relationship and that level of willing honesty is one of our flag checks.
Someone isn't interested or willing to provide a current test before hoping into bed? Sorry that's a no go. Someone is honest about having something? Now we can have a real conversation of how to proceed and what to do.
If I went to a clinic that didn't provide emailed or printed proof of my health regardless of if it all came back negative I would choose another place. And that's a question that can be asked at the desk before you take a test or pay for it.
What rest you should get can depend on who you're having sex with. Do you have sex with people who have a penis? That raises your risk. If you're only having sex with people who have vaginas, your risk cuts down immensely.
It also depends on how casual you are with sex. I'm demi so I only have sex with people I really trust, I take them at their word. I also have the luxury of knowing when they go in for testing, etc. so that helps my peace of mind too. I do have medical paranoia; if I asked for the proof, they would provide it without hesitation and vice versa.
I do look at the resultat myself. But im not American. Our health care works completely different and you get all medical info and test results, all wether negative or positive l, whether its a test for non sti or not, you get the results digitally. On the health care database online. All it will say that I am being shown by partner is "STI test - "insert tested sti here" - negative". I show my own test and we sit and look at each others. Then we take the condom off..it's what works and feels best for me, and everyone I've been with have expressed it has been okay and not violating their anatomy. Some will def not in any way shape or form be okay with showing the test. But that's okay. Can't be compatible with everyone, or we just keep the condom on. No biggie for me ;)
I've never been asked to show test results, and I don't have any results to share. I also don't need to discuss STDs before having sex with someone. I just use condoms during during penetration with all partners, and don't worry about the rest.
I find that conversation can give you all the answers..even without direct questions.
If you are talking to a male ..take the conversation to a sexual direction..and see how hard it is to swap back to something mundane. And then How fast do they bring it back to sex.
If they are comfortable talking about it .and can stay away from the topic for a bit ..then they are interested, and at least mature.Probably don't sleep around much.
If the topic sticks on sex...then that's a red flag. That all that's on his mind. And they would likely take anyone that let them.
If they are uncomfortable talking about it ..then they are shy, reserved\christian orthodox, or they are thinking about what they want to do after the date ..not interested.
If you are talking with a female... Amp up the conversation before talking about sex ..they can't help but brag when they are excited..
It's not scientific. But it is a good indicator. Wife and I made it thru the 80'-90's
I'd ask probing questions like when wad the last time? How often? If they get huffy about it definitely ask for in writing because sexual health is a priority to keep all evolved safe. You never know what underlying issues someone has and they can get exasperated by an STI. If they aren't willing to talk about it, decide if it a boundary of yours.
Personally, asking for proof would be non-negotiable, especially with a new partner. I think it's valid to take someone at their word if you've built up trust with a partner, though. And it's up to you to decide when that trust has been built and etc
It really depends on what you are comfortable with. My partner and I have a hard line when it comes to testing and our sexual health and safety. If someone is not open and ok with testing and sharing their results, then they are not risk averse enough for me and my partner(s). My health is very important as is my partners.
OhMori’s questioning is fantastic and is very similar to the conversations I have with potential partners.
I've never asked for, or been asked for proof of testing. But I only date and have sex with people I know well, typically people who have been friends for years prior to becoming sexual and/or romantic partners, so that makes trust higher than it'd be for someone who does more casual dating.
I feel that because the risk is so volatile, a showing is not necessary. I care more about frequency and communication of concerns in the web of people.
I like to see their results with the date on it, I ask them to test for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis. I get tested every 3 months and ask that anyone planning on becoming an ongoing partner does the same.
Since getting results in writing and to your name is tricky where I live^1, it generally boils down to trusting each other's word.
That said, personally, I would not want to have sex with someone who I wouldn't trust enough to take them at their word anyway.
---------------
^1 A holdover from times when people were much more ashamed of even getting tested that the assumption is that everyone wants it anonymously with as little to trace it you as possible. If you want them in writing that will get expensive, and you have to find a doctor does them. Usually people go to testing centers which only do anonymous tests, but are much cheaper and more easily available.
Come up with your safer sex elevator speech, and before things get sexy, go through it and ask your partner to share theirs. Takes maybe 5 minutes tops if you practice it. My outline below. * Right now I have (number) regular sex partners, * (and I don't use barriers with (number) of them). * I get tested for STIs every (timeframe) * and last got tested around (time). * Tests were (all negative, negative except (STI/s I have)) * and since then I've had (number) other sex partners * which (is typical for me, will likely increase now that I'm doing more dating, will likely decrease if I find a new regular partner, etc). * With new people I normally (any protection you use) and (any sex acts you favor/avoid). * I prevent pregnancy by (method/s) * and if pregnancy happens I would (action). * FYI, please avoid (any hard limits that might come up). * If any of that changes I will update you before sex happens again. * What about you? Bonus planning! If you go through that and someone discloses they * are cool with unprotected sex with new people * haven't been tested lately * were tested but not for herpes * have HSV1 * have HSV2 * have HPV or a partner who had it recently * have HIV which is undetectable ...what are you going to be comfortable doing sexually with this person today if anything, and what do you need to know before you do more?
I really want to send this to the guy who accused me of making him feel like I was the CIA interrogating him for simply asking for test results... Good on you for asking all of the questions. Giant fan of transparency and have lost some loves due to their disinterest in keeping up. But my safety and the safety of all of my partners is paramount for me.
Yesss! Honestly if someone puts up any fight at all about it, hard pass. I just end it. That means they are either uneducated and/or don’t care about their or their partners health. I’ve had other partners who are more than happy to go get tested and share results… that should be the norm!
This is fantastic, I’ve seen you post similar before and this time I’ve saved it for reference. Thank you!
OhMori! You beautiful glorious human! I couldn’t not have typed it out as eloquently as you have! That being said I’ve been with my three partners for so long we send each other pictures of the results 😂
It surely gets easier! But I saved this because people not being sure if they're on the same page struggle with it, or if they don't may end up finding out they aren't on the same page about STIs after they're already attached. It really takes way less long to discuss than it did to write up! Variation, of course, is that for the small number of people who are well aware that their precautions are more than most, and who want to find people with similar priorities, it is better to ask what a potential partner typically does first and then share. But for the typical person who needs to start a conversation at all, the important part is knowing what they want to say and making everyone comfortable to discuss it.
Researching the scenarios at the bottom of this post is so valuable, because it means that when you encounter someone who discloses a stigmatized condition, you can respond from a position of informed confidence. This can be the difference between a yes and a no, or a yes where you second guess if your judgment was clouded, or a thoughtless response that hurts the other person.
It really, really is. I have been in this situation myself without a plan and was kinda "um, gonna have to look into that more," but thankfully was with an A+ discloser who was graceful and able to suggest several safe activities we could do that day for me to choose from. Now I have a plan if it happens again! But I include that every time I post this, because yeah, getting it together and asking means you find out stuff, and then what, right?
I had a lover who disclosed managed, undetectable HIV, and luckily, I had just happened to read up on treatment/prevention a few weeks prior. Because I’d followed my curiosity and just kept looking into different study results, I was confident that I had all the information I needed to move forward. When we had a condom break early on, I was able to settle my nerves about it by reminding myself that I’d assessed the facts with a cool head, and there was realistically zero chance of transmission.
And the important thing is being near the same page. You can ask for anything you want, but if your partner's normal is to do a bunch of things you never would, then either you feel comfortable using some set of precautions with people of unknown STI status or you don't, because that partner is functionally always going to be of unknown STI status. You can see what was probably true last December 10th with your own eyes if that helps, but if your partner had sex with anyone in the several months prior to then or the several months since, realistically it's incomplete information.
This is a really nice, comprehensive list! For clarification, when you say HPV, do you mean the type that causes warts or the type that causes cervical cancer? I ask because according to most sources, the vast majority of folks have exposure to the latter. To make matters worse, men aren’t screened and although guidelines recommend screening for women over 21, co-testing isn’t typically recommended for women over 29 and the effects of HPV can take years to declare itself. I therefore tend not to ask about that one since most don’t know even though I do disclose that I had a LEEP for the HSIL that unfortunately declared itself at my most recent screening.
I agree that I don't tend to ask because people rarely know. Realistically much more of an "if someone does disclose, then what" issue. I had HPV briefly and it cleared, and even in that situation I wasn't told what type - I was in the process of getting the vaccine at the time which I ultimately continued doing because it still protects against the *other* cancer and wart causing kinds. Disclosed to my partners at the time, with whom I was already using barriers, and one stepped up their hand washing a little (might just have been a general increase in awareness that this could help, as he has continued despite my being cleared for some time). Recommending the HPV vaccine to folks my age who didn't get it as teens is another kind of STI related conversation I often have, but I don't prioritize having that one before sex. I'm doing what I can to protect myself, and while it's a good thing if my partner also wants to do that for themselves and has interest in public health policies, it's not necessarily a total deal breaker if they don't.
This take completely makes sense! Thanks for explaining. This is more or less how I feel too. I haven’t had my first post-LEEP pap yet, so I don’t know whether I’ve cleared the virus. I therefore think it’s warranted to give this info to my partners, but I don’t expect people to know their status. I also got the vaccine even though I’m a bit old for it, figuring it couldn’t hurt to protect against other common strains of HPV, and I also tend to advocate others do the same if they haven’t already.
That's is a great screening MadLib
I love this! Thank you!
I've never asked for writing, but I do ask more questions than "have you been tested for STI's?" It's more: When was your last test? What were the results? How many sexual partners have you been with since the test? Did those partners receive an STI/STD test before sex with you? Did you engage in sex with any of the partners who tested positive with any STI? Personally, I find how they respond dictates their opinion on the matter. Having an STI isn't a hard no for me, as long as steps can be taken to cure it prior to sex. If somebody's mature about it and is willing to have a conversation without it being super cringe they're probably telling me the truth. If somebody seems impatient or gets really defensive, I'm not going to have sex with them. This is also a nice indicator for just how they will behave in a relationship. Let's face it, life is gross and uncomfortable sometimes. Can this person be an adult about it? Oh I also have this conversation in a setting that sex is absolutely off of the table. That way the more sex motivated people don't really have a reason to stretch the truth. I personally can't do hookups so this is normally brought up on the first/second date.
This OP. And to add something about the types... it can vary. You're right that there are SO many different tests out there. [I've used this one from CVS](https://www.cvs.com/shop/cvs-health-at-home-sti-hiv-test-kit-1-ct-prodid-401987) in the past and will probably continue to do so. The $5 CarePass subscription for the month takes $20 off the price tag. It covers: HIV, Syphilis, Herpes simplex 2, Hep C, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, & Trichomoniasis
You offer to show your tests, then ask for theirs, if they try avoiding that, then something is fishy on their side. There is this saying: who have everything alright does not hide nor worry.
Amen! It is also leadership by example
>if they try avoiding that, then something is fishy on their side. Not necessarily. I mean, how they respond to it really matters, and if they're intentionally trying to avoid or come up with big excuses is a real red flag. But there are plenty of times where you just straight up don't get a copy of your test results unless you test positive.
>But there are plenty of times where you just straight up don't get a copy of your test results unless you test positive. This! And if you don't Trust me to be Honest?fuck off... I've got other offers.
Yeah that's a thing. Now that I test with my primary I get results in writing either way, but literally have never gotten a result from screening with planned Parenthood throughout my 20s because they don't come back with any results unless they're positive.
I don't show people my medical records, it's not a red flag. If someone doesn't trust me at my word, it's not a good match. If someone sees that as fishy, fine, let's move on. I don't produce paperwork to prove myself.
Yup. There are a bunch of reasons people might not be comfortable sharing their medical records and that's not a red flag all by itself.
The testing center I go to does not provide any kind of written results. It would be impossible for me to show proof. This has never been an issue for me, and I guess it is quite common in my country, for medical privacy reasons.
In my experience, written proof is rarely given as a default stance. I even had one clinic that didn't even talk to you by default. Their policy was "no news is good news" and they'd only contact you if you had a positive result for something. Regardless, I'm fairly confident most jurisdictions do have laws giving you a right to your own medical records if you request them. Not saying you need to start requesting them, but just letting you know it is an option should you ever want access.
>"no news is good news" and they'd only contact you if you had a positive result for something. Yep, that's how the county clinic I use works. I'm sure I could get proof if I cared to, but I don't.
The place I go to doesn't ask my actual name. I just get a code. So there are no medical records to ask for, and I like it that way. Nobody has ever asked me for proof of an STI test, and if somebody did, I would not be interested in being involved with such a paranoid person anyway.
No contact is how many places local to me handle it.
Just my perspective: Back a year ago was the first time my nurse's office provided me with visual results. Previously I'd only ever get a phone call informing me what tests I took and that they were negative. If asked to show results I'd have been able to figure it out, but it certainly would have elicited a pause from me while I processed the request. I guess my point is that not all hesitation is inherently dishonest.
I once had to jump through hoops to have documents from PP to show my meta. I won't do it anymore. Nobody gets to see my medical records. Take me at my word, or don't, that's fine.
That's fair. It's totally your call. If I don't trust you, I might not be worth your time. My provider finally started using an app so in my case it's something I'm comfortable quickly accessing but I acknowledge your point. Edit: showing a partner is something I'd do. A meta? That's a bit much.
I get tested annually and my partners get tested at least annually. I'm not okay with less frequent testing than that. My serious partner and I have agreed to use condoms with new partners until STD status is confirmed. I do not need to see the actual results/ proof, and it would be a pain in the ass to produce mine, so I won't. If I do not trust a person to be telling me the Truth about their sexual history and the precautions that they take (STD testing, barrier usage, etc), then I do not Trust them enough to fuck them. Full Stop.
This right here.
I’ve always openly offered my tests, and asked to see theirs. Edited for grammar. 🧐
I’m immunocompromised. I don’t have sex with any new partners until they have a test beforehand. If that’s a boundary they can’t commit to, we don’t have sex. Even something “relatively harmless” like HPV or HSV can have major complications for people who are immunocompromised. I always offer to show new partners proof of my own testing. They have always responded in kind.
I normally just send on a screenshot of my results and people tend to follow suit. If someone wants to get offended that I'm making sure my health is safe then that's on them. It's also not even like oh maybe they're lying but maybe I get tested for things they don't. Like I don't get tested for hep B because I'm vaccinated for it, and I've had people ask me about it but if I didn't send on those results they wouldn't know
I'm in the UK and we have a slightly different setup for results - there's a free service where you can get up to 4 tests by post per year (you can also get in clinic appointments, but they're harder to get at the moment and require active symptoms), and your results are published in your account with a shareable link so you can send them to partners. Most people I know use it. I lead by example and bring up my results on my phone, people usually respond by bringing up theirs, but results are just part of the conversation.
Lying about STD status to sleep with someone counts as a crime in some jurisdictions. So, taking people at their word isn't as naive as it might at first sound. But there also isn't anything wrong with asking for proof. Which just means asking to see their test results. For me though, if I'm getting any vibe that they aren't completely trustworthy and that I need to double check what they're saying, then I take that as my subconscious protecting me and I just don't sleep with them. I either take them at their word or I don't give them the chance. I'm also not as scared of STD's as a lot of people seem to be. Pretty much all STD's are curable or I have a vaccine against them. The only one that actually scares me is HIV and even that isn't a death sentence any more. Would be a chronic illness though which I'd rather avoid. Any other STD wouldn't prevent me from sleeping with them. We'd just avoid fluid bonding until if/when they got cured. I would avoid being with someone with HIV, which does make me feel like a hypocrite because I know logically there are ways to be safe with that too, but that's just the one stigma I can't shake out of my brain. Regarding tests, most places I've been too do have a general STD panel they do plus a few tests that they charge extra. I don't pay extra for the herpes test, but otherwise recommend getting all that you can done. The reason I don't go for the herpes test is because something like three quarters of adults have herpes, so you should just assume it's a thing. Most people are asymptomatic and learning that you have it won't change anything for you, other than maybe freak you out. Some places try to avoid freaking people out unnecessarily by only testing for HSV2, aka "genital herpes", which only affects something like 20% of adults, but there's no significant difference between that and HSV1 (oral herpes). They both have the same effects, both can affect the same areas (mouth and genitals), and neither are really dangerous. Again, most people are completely asymptomatic. Those who do have symptoms get painful red bumps on occasion that last about a week but no real health detriments.
You are well researched. I am a big advocate of honest test status. Some folks are not. Thank you for your well writen reply. All redit users should read it.
HIV isn't even a chronic illness anymore if you get it diagnosed soon enough, daily medicine completely halts it and makes it untransmissable to partners even without protection. Also, men who have sex with men are no longer the most newly diagnosed, heterosexual men are! And that's even considering heterosexual men get themselves tested way less overall, and far less regularly in comparison. EDIT: My bad, I should have specified this was UK news, it was a quickly written comment meant to show some positivity. I'm on a work break and won't be sifting through the HSA data to give you specifics but here's a press release on what I meant, more accurately worded; https://www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade
For the record, chronic illness just means something that doesn't go away. There have been a few people cured of HIV, but realistically it still would be a chronic illness requiring regular medication (as you mentioned) even if completely managed. I do appreciate all of your added info though! It really doesn't deserve the scary reputation any more. Personally, I'm already disabled and managing several chronic conditions for the rest of my life. I don't need something else requiring meds and doctor appointments, and I can totally understand a healthy person not wanting any chronic conditions. Even managed, they aren't fun. Plus, there's an irrational fear there that I can't shake after growing up in the aids epidemic.
My bad, I guess I kinda of differentiate chronic illness as meaning suffering with symptoms, while I'd call a chronic condition something latent or unobservable, but that's 100% personal language rather than scientific. Just wanted to be a bit positive!
MSM make up an estimated 2% of the US population, but accounted for 66% of new annual HIV infections in 201715 As of 2019, 56% of people living with HIV in the US contracted it through male-to-male sexual transmission16 As of 2018, 1 in 6 MSM living with HIV was unaware of their status13 Analysis of HIV diagnoses between 2010 and 2016 found that new infections among all MSM in the US remained stable, but they increased 65% among young Black American MSM aged 25 to 34 and 68% among Hispanic/Latino American MSM in that same age group15 https://www.gileadhiv.com/landscape/state-of-epidemic/?gclid=CjwKCAjwq-WgBhBMEiwAzKSH6KzpBqE_i7ApCqZGfnT77rYpz3TA3DQY-9A6xp4ycwBducvHu3yB2RoCtfIQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
My bad, I should have specified this was UK news (45% gay men, 49% heterosexuals), however I notice all your sources are from 2010-2018, may I recommend updating them? I'm referencing data from 2022! However, it was a quickly written comment meant to show some positivity and i could have worded it more accurately and provided references. As I'm on a work break I won't be sifting through the HSA data to give you specifics but here's a press release on what I meant, more accurately worded; https://www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade
I dont update that website. Sorry!
Yeah so all I'm saying is maybe find some more recent sources since 2010-2018 is quite a long time ago, medically and statistically speaking. The HIV stigma on the queer community is so high impact that quoting outdated data that's no longer relevant and supersceded by more positive, recent data essentially re-enforces this antiquated idea that men who have sex with men are a 'problem community' regarding HIV, which is quite damaging and inaccurate.
Go find them!
🤣🤣 Quotes incredibly outdated data to counter my comment, then ignores my already listed more recent reference and tells me to go do their research for them.... Some people 🙄
For fucks sake it takes less time to find new data than it does to post a comment, both of you are lazy. This literally took me 20 seconds to google. https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/statistics/overview/in-us/incidence.html#:~:text=Men%20reporting%20heterosexual%20contact%20accounted,of%20estimated%20new%20HIV%20infections. https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/overview/data-and-trends/statistics/
Thanks, I do agree it's a petty argument, I get too stuck on principle sometimes
I'm at work. I'm busy hon.
So busy you're insta-replying on reddit, but can't Google..... suuuuuuure
I'd like sources on that second paragraph. It is exceedingly hard to transmit HIV through PIV sex, so I'd assume the leading cause would be drug use then, no?
As I'm on a work break and won't be sifting through the 2022 HSA data to give you specifics but here's a press release on what I meant, more accurately worded; https://www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade And you can always look up the HSA data yourself with a quick Google. I should have specified this is UK news, not international.
Lots of good advice from other people here. This is my 2 cents; it was a boundary for me to know the status of anyone I am dating. I make it clear that i would be willing to help find them testing and wait for results before going further. This was how my gf treated me, too. It was more of a bonding over mutual understanding and not a fear or shame thing. Open communication is always good. And, you have a right to draw boundaries and say, "I need this."
I offer to show mine and ask to see theirs. No reasonable or responsible person should be upset at this request. also, if they dont take me up on the offer to see mine i sideeye them it shows sexual irresponsibility imo
Yes I take people at their word. If I’m comfortable enough to have sex with someone I believe it is reasonable to take them at their word. I feel it is very invasive to ask to see someone’s medical documentation and I would not provide my own as there is almost always other personal information on those tests I am not interested in sharing. Honestly I ask more to see their comfort and response than anything else. I want to know they are thinking about it. It’s always clear if they are not. Besides that I maintain my regimen of testing every 3 months, Prep and condoms with new partners who have penises. In 4 + years I have never had an issue and only had one partner call to let me know they caught an STI. He was responsible to call right away and I got tested that week and was cleared. It was no big deal. We have seen each other again since. I also notified my other partner about his testing positive and honestly her response has been upsetting. I let her know and told her I was getting tested. Her response was “gross” and she stopped talking to me after I got the all clear. We dated a year and she is just ghosting me. It’s so disappointing. The best thing to do to cultivate great honest partnerships is not to shame anyone for being honest and doing the right thing. An STI scare is stressful but it’s worse to be the one who needs to call and say “Sorry I have X! Go get tested”. I think this half of reducing STIs is missing from our education. STI stigma spreads more STIs. It doesn’t reduce them or help anyone, it just keeps people from notifying partners and being open enough with their doctors to actually get testing and treatment.
I dont ask for proof because inevitably they and their other partners have all had sex since the labs were drawn.
I personally just take people at their word, and have never been asked to provide evidence. Usually I get my results via phone call or verbally at an appt, so I wouldn't have proof anyway. Maybe it's different in other countries? I actually did ask for a printout one time but it was a waste of paper because no one wanted to see it.
It depends on your risk tolerance. Personally I would want to see the actual report to know what was tested and the status. For me, it's a big deal. For others it's really not.
I ask to see the test. I had one man tell me he didn’t have anything, and went on and on about the importance of sexual health. When I asked to see his test results, he had tested positive. I’m not the only woman I know who has encountered this. I had another produce his test results, and it looked like he had a full panel done and was was good to go. The one item he wasn’t tested for - trich - I got from him, from about 5 seconds of just the tip - and while Google likes to say it’s an easily treatable condition, I’ve been battling a drug resistant form for 5 months and had a life threatening allergic reaction to the only drug available for it. It’s cost me the ability to have physical contact below the waist and a ton of time and money. My advice is to go line by line on their test. This is your body and your health and there are lots of STDs, like trich, that spread despite condoms or without penetration. My life has been turned upside down by it. If someone is put off by my requesting to see their results, so be it, they aren’t the person for me. If I am ever able to have sex again I’ll require a full panel that includes trich, HSV 1 & 2, and mycoplasma hominis and genitalium (Mgen). I know it’s hard to find providers to test for mycoplasma without symptoms but there are companies online that provide it.
I don't ask for proof. I ask when they were last tested, what they were tested for and what the results were. I also ask how many people they've slept with since then, and if any of those encounters were unprotected. If someone can fluently answer those questions and I don't get any weird vibes of lying or obfuscation, then I move forward accordingly. When I get tested I test for syphilis, Chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, HPV and there's a couple other lesser known ones (trich?something) that my doctor does as well. I don't test for HSV because when I've tried to ask the doctor it's a battle and they contend it's not worth the test 🤷🏻♀️
I can miss work to make an appointment and pay $88 to be tested at my doctors office to be able to get a paper copy of the results, or I can be tested for free at the drop in clinic at the health department (which is open after hours) and I would only be notified if I tested positive for something. Unfortunately, a huge portion of community based std testing is done with zero paper trail and someone saying they don’t have proof of testing has nothing to do with their suitability as a partner.
Everyone has different levels of comfort with sexual health risks. If you want to see test results and it's non-negotiable, say so. If you're okay with verbal reassurances of negative results, say so. If the person you are talking to has a different standard that is incompatible with yours, then you both know you can move on. If whomever is less stringent is willing to do what the more stringent person prefers, great! It's also really important to remember that people have different reasons for the level of reassurance they need. Sometimes it's their own health, or a partner's, that would be particularly compromised with certain types of exposure. Sometimes it's that they don't have access to health care and can't afford to get sick, even with something cureable let alone if it's something that causes cancer or other longterm health issues. It's not necessarily a lack of trust in you if someone requests to see test results before agreeing to sex.
Asking for a copy of the lab report is completely acceptable, especially as you are establishing trust. My partner of over a year literally just texted me her recent STI labs as I was typing this 😭
I have to physically see results and there has to be no change in exposure since getting tested.
I am asking because I'm genuinely confused and curious: how can your partner(s) guarantee no exposure after getting tested? I mean...the only way I can think of is to not engage in sexual activity 🤔
No change in exposure. Meaning no new partners in the chain since testing. I don't date people that have a lot of partners.
That makes a lot of sense I get it now. Thanks for humoring me
It depends when my last tests were. Most often I suggest going to get tested together. It makes it very easy to check results and I know they went. Really though at that point there have been several discussions about sex and I generally have a good idea of how they view safety and if it matches my needs. A year or two ago my girlfriend was meeting with a couple and they gave her fake results that she would have missed if she hadn't been reading carefully. You are the best advocate for your safety. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/on7lz5/you_are_your_only_advocate_a_rant_about_safety/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
If a new partner wants to chaperone me to doctors appointment because they don't trust I'll go. I no longer want to have sex with them. It's not cute or romantic.
Its not presented or handled like that. It's hey I'm going to get tested next week would you like to go together and make a day of it. They can say no or make their own arrangements.
Absolutely!!
This is a really interesting position! Going to get tested together would have the complete opposite effect on me.
I think it's the "because they don't trust I'll go" part that really does me in. I feel like trusting your partner is a really important thing in poly relationships, and it would absolutely turn me off if my partner said "well, I don't trust that you'll do it. So I'm going to go with you and we'll do it together." If you don't trust me, why are you here?
I’ve also never asked for writing, but I do tend to share how often I get tested, what I get tested for, how many partners I have, how I prevent pregnancy, and how many I don’t use barriers with. Usually, they respond to this by volunteering their own info! If they don’t, or if they act weird about testing or using barriers, I’m out.
I always ask to see the test results first time. So many people I’ve met will blow smoke up my ass regarding testing, so, ya, proof the first time. After that, I don’t really care about much besides regular testing. I use condoms with all partners.
I once dated a guy who hadn’t been tested in a long time (if he was even telling the truth) and kept giving excuses as to why he hadn’t gotten tested when I asked if he would. I told him we’d have to use protection at least until I knew his status. Then one time he stealthed me and pulled the condom off mid-sex without my consent and I didn’t realize what had happened until afterward. Thankfully he didn’t give me any STIs. So I don’t trust anyone much anymore. If they refused to get tested and show the results, I pass, because that is a red flag to me.
I got tested a few months ago and they only gave my results out over the phone, ie. no proof. The reasoning being they wanted to be sure that this information only went to the patient, and couldn't be intercepted by someone else. I would have preferred a printout but I guess they provide a cheap service to people in need so I can't complain. Just be aware that some people may not be able to provide documented proof.
https://www.stdcheck.com/ Our polycule uses this... we just send screen shots And YES ask to see it
I would never ask for proof; if I don't trust someone enough to trust their word on STI testing, I don't trust them enough to sleep with them anyway. Full stop. Being able to be chill about STIs is also important to me. I see someone being overly anxious about the possibility as a sign of them maybe not being that experienced with stuff. (Excepting if they have a specific issue like being immunocompromised or something of course.) They're bad and worth being careful of, but you can never expect to protect yourself 100% from all of them\* and if you want to be promiscuous I think you need to make peace with that. They aren't nearly as scary as a lot of monogamous people feel they are. If its the serious ones you're worried about and you aren't sure, use condoms. If you don't want to do that look into Prep. Most of the others are curable. I say this because its important to balance a desire for safety with a respect for other's privacy. Its okay to ask for anything you need, but its also okay for someone to not want to share their full relationship history right before a hookup, or show you important and private medical documents. It's just kind of private. They might also be HIV+ but successfully treated and non infectious, and this is also something someone might reasonably want to keep to themselves. Its good to just educate yourself about how they all work so you can watch for symptoms in partners who may not have noticed them, and if you do have an infection or close call you can not stress about it so much. \*Herpes 1 can be transmitted by kissing and at least half of people have it although for most its dormant; crabs can happen even with condoms; condoms can break. Each infection has an incubation window where its undetectable to testing but the person can still become infectious if they contracted whatever it was within that window.
I require partners get tested for HIV, HPV, HSV (1&2), Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis and that they share their physical test results with me.
It's important to note that men can't be tested for HPV (it is performed during a PAP).
I ask for their results to verify myself, as in the documentation or a picture of the results if they get them digitally on a health app. I am always down to show someone mine and if they are uncomfortable showing me their test results, I am uncomfortable having sex with them.
I honestly ask for their results in papers😂 and it didn’t prevent me from having some infections even though i use protection vaginally all the time but how can you protect yourself orally?
I'd also stop saying STD in favor of STI.
I pull up "my chart" and show them my clean report. This usually prompts them to do the same.
Just going to leave this here for you: https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/planned-parenthood-advocates-arizona/blog/std-awareness-stigma-and-sexually-transmitted-diseases
I don’t. Not at first. When I only had one partner at a time, I would sometimes have unprotected sex with strangers. There’s no room for lying here: I’m demonstrating through my willingness that I’m a careless idiot who will have unprotected sex with strangers. If they are less careless and less idiotic, they do not have unprotected sex with me. Otherwise… yeah, careless idiocy ensues. So I *know* that there are careless idiots out there. Now that I have regular partners, I’m less careless. The first times I have sex with people, I don’t know them well and they don’t know me well. I don’t yet know if they might be tempted to lie or downplay to get sex. They don’t yet know if they can trust me not to freak out unreasonably. I just assume they have cooties and play accordingly. I put off the explicit conversations about STIs and testing for about six months and I restrict those conversations to people I believe won’t lie. “Have you ever had an STI?” “Do you go for STI testing?” The answers have always been “No” and “Yes” so the conversations have never really gone much further than that. Frequency: Eight years ago my public health nurse took a detailed health and sexual history and advised me to get tested every six months. The last time I went I reviewed that recommendation with her and she said that they don’t really have frequency recommendations any more. People tend to be their own best judges of their risk and go in at appropriate intervals for them. If a public health nurse with detailed information, excellent training and long experience isn’t going to tell my partner how often they should be testing, I’m not in a position to have an opinion. If they’ve done testing at a public clinic then they’ve met with a public health nurse and gotten personalized counselling. I satisfy myself with that.
Hookups/one offs/strangers; I'd like to see proof - I usually ask if they can show me their results and they usually send screenshots. Relationships? If I can't trust your word we shouldn't be dating
Unless they are handing you a written test as they walk out of the clinic, it's of little practical use. All's a test result sheet will tell you is their status on the day they tested and provides no assurance of STD safety from that moment on.
Or even a week or more before the test cuz some things take a while to show up as well
Very true
W
I ask about testing (when, what for, how many partners since then), and i pay attention to their reactions, but I don't ask to see a copy of test results. People lie, sure, but pdfs can also be faked. Whether or not I even get a foot of my results depends on how I get tested (thrive my pcp = no results, if I use getcheckedoutonline I get a copy), so like... meh
I get tested regularly even though I'm in a closed V hinge at the moment (just becausethere are things that can change or infectios that can happen by accident via daily stuff). Before any of us jumped into the sheets we had a very open and honest conversation about how many people we had been with and if protection was used or not and if any of them had any gifts to pass along. We also got tested and the place we went to provided us with not only different options of what to test for (we all chose the test that covered the most) but also provided us with our emailed results regardless of if there was nothing to report. We then sent those documents to each other. We plan to follow the same guidelines if we ever decide to expand our polycule. Eyes wide open. I'm not saying we would never have sex with someone who had say herpes, but informed consent is just as vital as anything else when it comes to a relationship and that level of willing honesty is one of our flag checks. Someone isn't interested or willing to provide a current test before hoping into bed? Sorry that's a no go. Someone is honest about having something? Now we can have a real conversation of how to proceed and what to do. If I went to a clinic that didn't provide emailed or printed proof of my health regardless of if it all came back negative I would choose another place. And that's a question that can be asked at the desk before you take a test or pay for it.
What rest you should get can depend on who you're having sex with. Do you have sex with people who have a penis? That raises your risk. If you're only having sex with people who have vaginas, your risk cuts down immensely. It also depends on how casual you are with sex. I'm demi so I only have sex with people I really trust, I take them at their word. I also have the luxury of knowing when they go in for testing, etc. so that helps my peace of mind too. I do have medical paranoia; if I asked for the proof, they would provide it without hesitation and vice versa.
I do look at the resultat myself. But im not American. Our health care works completely different and you get all medical info and test results, all wether negative or positive l, whether its a test for non sti or not, you get the results digitally. On the health care database online. All it will say that I am being shown by partner is "STI test - "insert tested sti here" - negative". I show my own test and we sit and look at each others. Then we take the condom off..it's what works and feels best for me, and everyone I've been with have expressed it has been okay and not violating their anatomy. Some will def not in any way shape or form be okay with showing the test. But that's okay. Can't be compatible with everyone, or we just keep the condom on. No biggie for me ;)
I've never been asked to show test results, and I don't have any results to share. I also don't need to discuss STDs before having sex with someone. I just use condoms during during penetration with all partners, and don't worry about the rest.
I find that conversation can give you all the answers..even without direct questions. If you are talking to a male ..take the conversation to a sexual direction..and see how hard it is to swap back to something mundane. And then How fast do they bring it back to sex. If they are comfortable talking about it .and can stay away from the topic for a bit ..then they are interested, and at least mature.Probably don't sleep around much. If the topic sticks on sex...then that's a red flag. That all that's on his mind. And they would likely take anyone that let them. If they are uncomfortable talking about it ..then they are shy, reserved\christian orthodox, or they are thinking about what they want to do after the date ..not interested. If you are talking with a female... Amp up the conversation before talking about sex ..they can't help but brag when they are excited.. It's not scientific. But it is a good indicator. Wife and I made it thru the 80'-90's
I'd ask probing questions like when wad the last time? How often? If they get huffy about it definitely ask for in writing because sexual health is a priority to keep all evolved safe. You never know what underlying issues someone has and they can get exasperated by an STI. If they aren't willing to talk about it, decide if it a boundary of yours.
if you have to worry about lying with someone than you shouldn’t be with them anyways
Personally, asking for proof would be non-negotiable, especially with a new partner. I think it's valid to take someone at their word if you've built up trust with a partner, though. And it's up to you to decide when that trust has been built and etc
I asked for verification cause lives are at stake…
I usually just take a picture of my results and text them to my partners... I don't want to make shit awkward where they have to ask
It really depends on what you are comfortable with. My partner and I have a hard line when it comes to testing and our sexual health and safety. If someone is not open and ok with testing and sharing their results, then they are not risk averse enough for me and my partner(s). My health is very important as is my partners. OhMori’s questioning is fantastic and is very similar to the conversations I have with potential partners.
I've never asked for, or been asked for proof of testing. But I only date and have sex with people I know well, typically people who have been friends for years prior to becoming sexual and/or romantic partners, so that makes trust higher than it'd be for someone who does more casual dating.
If people lie to be on good side yourside, family members, friends, teachers, why would I trust a stranger who doesnt know me?
I feel that because the risk is so volatile, a showing is not necessary. I care more about frequency and communication of concerns in the web of people.
I like to see their results with the date on it, I ask them to test for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis. I get tested every 3 months and ask that anyone planning on becoming an ongoing partner does the same.
Since getting results in writing and to your name is tricky where I live^1, it generally boils down to trusting each other's word. That said, personally, I would not want to have sex with someone who I wouldn't trust enough to take them at their word anyway. --------------- ^1 A holdover from times when people were much more ashamed of even getting tested that the assumption is that everyone wants it anonymously with as little to trace it you as possible. If you want them in writing that will get expensive, and you have to find a doctor does them. Usually people go to testing centers which only do anonymous tests, but are much cheaper and more easily available.